Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I've been thinking a lot about thanksgiving lately. Mainly because giving thanks is pretty hard right now.

Since I wrote last month about my health, not much has changed. Well, I think I have improved a little, but I have also learned the hard way that doing too much can have disastrous consequences, costing me days or even weeks of progress.

Because I have to be so careful, this has been a season of loss for me. I had to step down from leading worship at church. I had to cancel the play that I was planning to direct this fall. Some weeks, I haven't even been able to go to church. I've had to rely on others to go grocery shopping, hang out the laundry, and do other household chores that I wouldn't have had any problem doing before.

As I have been forced to do as little as possible, I am realizing just how much I do every day, and how quickly I want to jump up and take care of things whenever I see something that needs to be done. Now, I have to stop and evaluate: does this really need to happen right now? Do I actually need to do it, or could someone else do it? It is surprising to me how hard it is to let go.

Having very limited energy has also made me more aware of habits and patterns in my life that happen so automatically that I don't even think about them. For example, I've always known that I sense and absorb the emotions of those around me, but I hadn't realized how much emotional energy I put into trying to improve the emotional environment I am in. If someone is having a bad day, if someone is feeling lonely or ignored, if someone is feeling hurt in any way, I impulsively try to compensate for that, pouring out emotional energy in an attempt to make everything better and infuse joy and life into the world around me.

Now I can't do that. I can't do all of the giving and serving and doing and accomplishing that makes me feel valuable and seen. Without it, I feel kind of lost.

I am trying to be thankful for everything I am learning through this time. I'm trying to be okay with recognizing my limitations and letting go. I'm trying to be okay with letting my world shrink and slow down.

Even though it's hard, I know that I really do have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for Jesse and all the rest of the household, as they've had to pick up the slack and take care of all the things that I can't do now. I am so thankful that the weather has been nice, and that I can lie down outside and enjoy the sunshine, even though I can't go hiking or to the park. I am so thankful for all of the people who have asked about how I'm doing, who have come and watched the kids so I can rest, who have brought meals, or washed the dishes, or helped clean up the mess when Kenneth crashed a pile of plates onto the kitchen floor.

If you are one of those people, thank you so much.

I'm heading back to the doctor tomorrow to see if my latest bunch of tests have anything to say about what is wrong with me. It would be nice to have some answers, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. For now, I'm trying to breathe deep, be careful, and remember that this is just a season, and a season in which I am not alone.

Mommy Moments: The Song That Never Ends

My two year old has been learning the alphabet. Unfortunately, he is currently under the impression that Y is followed by R. He has been singing in a loop for about ten minutes now...

The Girl From Moab: Let There Be Hope

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to perform a new song from my musical!

The event was the book launch for April Yamasaki's new book, Four Gifts. It was really fun to be able to share a small taste of what I've been working on!

If you are interested in keeping up with my updates on The Girl From Moab, you can follow my YouTube channel or my Facebook page, and I will still post updates here on my blog sometimes too!

Children of the Wind and Sky

Children of the wind and sky,
Dancing across the fields,
Hair blowing in the breeze,
Swept back from shining eyes
And dazzling smiles.

Children of the water and waves,
Laughter bubbling, brimming over,
Flinging recklessly into my arms,
Giggling, wriggling, fleeing,
Returning with arms open wide.

Children of the sea and sky,
Wild, chaotic beauty
Uncontainable within my arms;
Infectious delight of life itself
Frees my heart to soar with theirs.

A Tiring Reality

Sometimes life gets harder.

About a month ago, I suddenly got quite sick—headache, chills, fever, shakiness, etc. Most of the symptoms passed after a couple days, except for the tiredness. And I was very tired—at first I could hardly be up for an hour before I had to lie down again. I've been slowly improving, but even now I have to lie down a couple times each day, and I don't really have the energy to take the kids to the park or go shopping.

As you can imagine, this has made life a lot more challenging. Running around after two very active, independent little ones is not exactly compatible with resting and recovering. Even the ordinary tasks of caring for a household can tire me out and leave me without the energy to play music or write or do other things that I enjoy.

It's hard, and frustrating, and discouraging.

The doctor thinks it was just the flu, aggravated by the heat, dehydration, and all the smoke that was in the air at the time. I'm taking some supplements, and trying to eat more and drink more water. I am improving. But it is so easy to do too much and have another setback.

And part of my frustration is that "there is nothing wrong with me" and "I don't look sick". From an outside perspective, nothing seems any different. But the kids are fussier, because they don't understand why mommy can't run around and play like she usually can. It's been way too long since I've been able to take the kids to the park, and we are all going a little crazy because of it. Every time I try to do something that takes extra energy—going to church, getting groceries, even having a games night with some friends—I feel significantly worse afterward. I've been out of the house so little that I'm starting to get cabin fever!

And I'm really lonely.

Hopefully this will be the last you hear of this, and I'll be feeling better soon, but I wanted to give you a little picture of what life has been like for me lately. I'm so thankful that Jesse and the rest of the household have been so willing to help out more around the house so I can lie down when I need to!

Despite the rough past month, it has been a pretty good summer. Here are a few pictures of what we have been up to:

Garden love

Keeping cool

Picnic time!

Family hiking

Fire Creek

All rocks must be climbed!

Coastline near Bella Coola

Humble beauty

My munchkins

'Tis the last rose of summer...

Four Gifts: A Review of April Yamasaki's Book on Self-Care

Something that saddens me is how little I read these days. Being a mom of two toddlers means that "free time" is a fairly foreign concept, and when I do have a few minutes to myself, those tend to be filled up with other things. At the moment I am getting ready to write and direct a play for my church, as well as continuing to work on my musical, blog, and other writing projects. I am still leading worship at least once a month at church, and I am running a Middle Earth RPG for a few friends once a week. I am trying to stay on top of the endless mountain of pears that the tree in our backyard is producing, and I am in the middle of canning season. And on top of all of this, I have been struggling with some sort of health problem that has been making me feel very tired—I can only work for a few hours at a time before I have to lie down! You might say that I could use a book on self-care right about now!

I have pretty much given up on reading novels during this stage of my life. When I'm reading a story, I tend to get really lost in it, and then I get grumpy when I'm interrupted or have to put it down... and with my life, that tends to happen every few minutes! But non-fiction books don't have the same effect on me, and when I read reflective, thoughtful books, sometimes I even find the interruptions help me to take a break and think about what I've read—so when I had a chance to read April Yamasaki's new book on self-care, I was pretty excited!

I've had the privilege of being a part of the launch team for April's book, Four Gifts, which has included being able to read an advance copy of the book, and I highly recommend it! April's writing is relatable and insightful. As I was reading it, I found myself continually caught between wanting to stop and reflect on what I had just read, and wanting to keep reading to find out what April had to say next! I am looking forward to having a solid copy of the book in my hands so I can sit down and read it again.


Four Gifts: Seeking Self-Care for Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength by April Yamasaki


Since the book is called "Four Gifts", I thought that I would share four thoughts on it!

1. It is firmly grounded in a biblical perspective.

I have read several books on self-care over the past years, and this is really what makes April's book stand out for me! Not only are many of the principles and examples drawn directly from scripture, but April makes it clear that ultimately it is God who cares for us. As one of my favourite quotes from the book says:

"When all my self-care strategies fail, when I fail myself and others, when those closest to me have done their best yet still leave me wanting for more, God remains forever faithful."


2. April is not afraid to ask difficult questions.

For example, Jesus clearly taught his disciples that they needed to lay down their lives, deny themselves, and take up their cross (Mark 8:34-35). In Four Gifts, April comments:

"To live this abundant, self-giving life of following Jesus, self-care must also make room somehow for self-surrender. Can it be that we are called to both self-care and self-denial? Is that a healthy tension, a living paradox—or is it simply impossible?"

What I really appreciate is that April does not try to offer us a tidy solution or have all the answers. Instead, she invites us into the questions and the paradoxes, and helps us explore them for ourselves.

3. Four Gifts is very realistic about self-care.

While it's easy to think about self-care as curling up with a cup of tea or treating yourself to a massage, a lot of the time self-care is not fun and does not feel good. Self-care can mean being disciplined, even when we don't want to be. Self-care can mean learning when to say no and to set healthy boundaries, even if it is hard. Self-care can be learning to lament as we face areas of hurt and brokenness in our lives.


4. It is incredibly practical.

Four Gifts is interspersed with really great questions for thought and discussion, and each chapter concludes with simple and practical ideas for implementing the principles addressed in that chapter. This is one of the reasons that I want to read the book again—I really want to take the time to reflect thoughtfully on the questions, and to find ways of implementing some of the practical self-care suggestions! For example, have you ever heard of making an "I-don't-do" list? Basically, it's a list of things that help you maintain healthy boundaries in your life—anything from not drinking coffee after a certain time in the day, to not checking Facebook first thing in the morning, to not trying to please everybody. I think that making an "I-don't-do" list sounds like a very helpful exercise!


To conclude my review, here is a short question and answer with April Yamasaki:

Why do we need self-care?
Because too many of us are over-tired, over-extended, and overwhelmed by our lives—the constant barrage of information, the multiple demands of personal, family, work, community, and world needs, the relentless advance of technology. Self-care allows us to rest instead of constantly running the treadmill of our lives. At its best, it can help restore a sense of wholeness in a world that seems increasingly fragmented and polarized.

What do you mean by self-care “at its best”?
Well, at its worst, I think self-care can become selfish and self-indulgent as some critics point out. That can happen when I focus on my own needs to the exclusion of others. But at its best, self-care means that I care for myself without ignoring or isolating myself from the needs of others. Genuine self-care includes a mutual caring in community. It includes a sense of my own limits where instead of the self-sufficiency of self-care, I can depend on the all-sufficiency of God’s care.

What do you hope for your readers? 

I hope readers will come away with a bigger vision for self-care that also embraces caring for others and surrendering to God’s care and call in their lives. I hope they’ll think deeply about their core commitments and priorities for themselves, and discuss these with their family, friends, and others. I hope that my words would come to life in their own thinking and experience, that readers would expand upon the book for their own personal situation and context.

Four Gifts: Seeking Self-Care for Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength will be available starting September 4, 2018. You can find out more about Four Gifts and April Yamasaki's writing on her website: aprilyamasaki.com

Steven and Eustace and the Big Bad Wolf

Over the past few months, it has become a part of Steven's bedtime routine that we cuddle and I tell him a story about Steven and his friend, "Eustace the Dragon". (What can I say—that was the first name that came to mind when I had to name the dragon!) Steven and Eustace have been on many adventures now—they have sailed across oceans and climbed mountains and explored dark tunnels. Whenever I'm stuck, I enjoy drawing on familiar stories and fairy tales, interspersing details randomly, or even following a pre-existing plot for a while.

As Steven has gotten older, he has become an active participant in telling the story. His suggestions and comments never cease to surprise me, and often send the story in a completely new direction. This is especially true when I am simply adding Steven and Eustace into a pre-existing story. The result is often humorous and beautiful, so I thought I would share!
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Steven and Eustace and the Big Bad Wolf.

One day, Steven and his friend Eustace the dragon were walking along the road when they met three pigs.

"Good morning!" said Steven, "How are you doing today?"

"Oink oink oink, not bad, not bad," said the pigs. "We are on our way to build ourselves some houses. We are each going to build a nice, cosy house."

"Oh, nice!" said Steven, "That sounds like fun!" And he waved goodbye to the pigs as they continued on their way.

A bit further down the road, Steven and Eustace met a wolf—a big bad wolf.

"Hello, Mr. Wolf," said Steven, "how are you doing today?"

"I am doing very well," the wolf snarled with a nasty grin. "I am going to eat those three little pigs. Pigs are very very yummy, and I am a hungry wolf—I am going to eat them all up!"

"Oh dear," said Eustace as soon as the wolf was out of earshot, "what are we going to do? We need to warn the three little pigs!"

"He should buy food," said Steven.

"What?"

"He should buy food at the grocery store, not eat the pigs."

"Oh. What kind of food should he buy?"

"Ice cream! I can have green ice cream, and you can have purple ice cream, and the puppy can have brown ice cream!"

Steven and Eustace hurried after the big bad wolf.

"Excuse me," said Steven as soon as they caught up with the wolf, "would you like to go get ice cream with us?"

The wolf seemed taken aback. "Okay. Um, thank you. I love ice cream!"

On their way to the ice cream store, Steven and Eustace and the wolf passed through the field where the three pigs were building their houses.

"Hello!" called Steven, "Would you like to come get ice cream with us?"

"Oh, yes please!" said the pigs. "We are all tired from building our houses, and we are ready to take a break!"

So the pigs joined Steven and Eustace and the wolf, and together they all walked to get ice cream. But even though they walked and walked, they could not find an ice cream store!

"Oh dear, what are we going to do?" lamented one of the pigs.

"We can use Telemain's special machine!" replied Steven. He pulled the machine out of his pocket and quickly typed in "ice cream shop".

Whrrrrrrrr bzzzzzzzzzp! The machine's arrow pointed the way, and soon they found an ice cream store!

As his companions chatted about their favourite flavours, Steven went looking for the ice cream store man. Soon a friendly looking man in a big red and white apron appeared.

"Hello!" said the man, "what kind of ice cream can I get for you?"

"Green please," said Steven, and the man scooped out some green ice cream and gave it to Steven.

"Purple please," said Eustace, and the man scooped out some purple ice cream and gave it to Eustace.

"Pink please," said the wolf, and the man scooped out some pink ice cream and gave it to the wolf.

"Orange please," said a pig, and the man scooped out some orange ice cream and gave it to the pig.

"Green please," said another pig, and the man scooped out some green ice cream and gave it to the pig.

"Brown please," said the final pig, and the man scooped out some brown ice cream and gave it to the pig.

"Let's go find a table!" said Steven.

They all went outside and found a great big table under a big umbrella.

They all took a big bite and ate their ice cream all up!

"Now what do we do?" asked Eustace.

"We still need to finish building our houses," said the pigs.

"We'll help you!" said Steven, so they all went back to help the pigs.

When they got to the field where the pigs were building their houses, they saw that the first pig was building his house out of straw.

"That's not good!" said Steven.

They walked a little farther and saw that the second pig was building his house out of sticks.

"That's not good!" said Steven. Then he went and got some wood and nails and a hammer and helped the pigs build their houses. Bam! Bam! Bam!

When the houses were finished, the pigs said, "Thank you so much for helping us!"

"You're welcome!" said Steven.

Waving goodbye, Steven and Eustace headed off down the road, and the wolf went back to the farmer's house.

The end.

Mommy Moments: Remix

I'm loving Kenneth's latest version of "Jesus Loves Me":

Yes! Jesus loves me so.
Bible tells me so.

Kitty cats
Kitty cats
Dinosaurs
Kitty cats

Bible tell me so
Bible tell me so
Bible tell me so
Bible tell me so!

Mommy Moments: Geography

I highly recommend doing a world map puzzle with a toddler. It is hilarious...
_______

Me: This is Mexico.

Toddler: That's where Max lives!
_______

Toddler: That's where Nana and Grandpa live!

Me: That's Afghanistan.
_______

Me: (Points to California) This is a state. (Points to Montana) This is a state.

Toddler: This is a state!

Me: That's Slovakia.
_______

Toddler: That's where Evan lives!

Me: Well, no, that's Greenland. But I'm sure he'd love it there.

Brutus

Dark eyes look in mine for the last time
As the knife slices between my ribs.

Pain explodes.
Lifeblood oozes out of me
Staining everything red.
I can't look away.

Where was Laocoon's warning?
I accepted your gift without question,
Heedless of Cassandra's cries
Until—too late—
The charade was over
And Troy began to burn.

You got what you wanted,
And you're finished with me;
Thrown to the floor with Tamar.
What you called love was only a delusion.

There was no kiss
When you sold me for thirty pieces of silver;

Instead, you said your farewell
With a twist of the blade
And a kick in the gut.

Mommy Moments: Little Chef

On today's episode of "I literally just left for two minutes to go to the bathroom" ...

"My brother wanted an egg wrap!"

The Girl From Moab: 25% and loading...

Hey! I just wanted to share that I've finished the music for SIX of the songs for my musical, which means am a quarter of the way through completing the score!! Now, I know I've been putting off some of the harder pieces, which means that I very likely haven't finished a quarter of the work yet, but I still feel like it is a milestone worth celebrating!

Since I have been putting so much of my (very limited) time into the musical, that means that I've been neglecting my blog far more than I'd like to. I believe the musical is going to be well worth the wait, but I miss getting to share things with all of you in the meantime!

I'm sure I'll still find opportunities to post things here, even if it isn't as regular, so come back and check every now and then! And if you're ever wanting to check out other things I'm writing, I am still a part of the Captives storytelling project, and I am the chronicler for a game of Traverse (a tabletop RPG) that I am playing with some friends. You can check out my record of our games here.

Unposted Facebook Statuses

I don't post on Facebook very often. Part of the reason is that when something comes to mind that I want to post, I over-think it way too much, resulting in it never being posted at all. I also struggle with posting on social media when I know my reason for posting is just trying to get attention. But since I have a growing stockpile of unused Facebook statuses, I decided to use them here as a kind of family update.

The only sad thing is that now I can't get "likes"...

I guess I'll get over it.

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Whenever I visit a commercial plant nursery, I just want to buy all the plants so I can free them from their jail and give them a happy home.
_____

"Can I be Morwen from the Enchanted Forest Chronicles when I grow up?" - me
_____

You know it's going to be a good day when...

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Reason #32 why I love living in community: you get to enjoy unexpected treasures like this.

_____

Dairy-free brownie trifle, because Char and I are epic like that.

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Love this kid so much <3

_____

Pretty :)

_____

This kid is taking such good care of his horsey... can we just get him a pet already?? (By the way, we're currently taking donations for the "Leane and Jesse move to a farm so their kids can have dogs and horses" fund!)

_____

"I like it. It makes our house look like an apothecary." - Evan

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Nothing much going on around here. Just cleaning our swords.

_____

Toddlers have never-ending ingenuity, especially when chocolate is involved...

Invisible

As a young mother I confess that I'm
Finding that it's a very lonely time
I always kept saying that I would be fine
But actually I feel
Invisible.

There are lots of great people I see day by day
Who live in our home, though they're sometimes away
There are chances to chat or stay up playing games
So why do I feel
Invisible?

I still have friends, I know that I do
But they're busy, and many live far away too
And my chances to get out of the house are so few
So I just feel
Invisible.

I keep going online as the internet gave
Social media "likes" for the attention I crave
But the high is illusive and soon fades away
In the end I feel
Invisible.

And the worst of it is that I don't understand
Why each passing smile, complement, helping hand
Are just swallowed up in an instant and
Once again I feel
Invisible.

Do You Mind?

We've been trained and been drilled,
learned our lesson so well:
the tenets upon which our culture stands—
keep your hands off.
Every person's an island,
so mind your own business.

But if our own business is all we mind,
everyone else is left behind.
How can we be so blind
to the lonely and hurting,
averting our eyes
from each sight that implies
we may not be quite as self-sufficient
as we want to believe.
We deceive ourselves,
ignoring those who don't have a voice,
who can't make the choice
to cry for help.

When we're so busy with our own business
we don't even notice
when people disappear right from under our noses.
And they're gone,
and they know they were right all along
because nothing really changes.
Relationship was just an illusion.
A delusion
that someone might actually care
if I'm even there.

But they care.
At least, they think they do—
they're trying to,
but how can someone really know it's true
when all you're given are post-it notes
slipped from prison cell to prison cell
with meaningless platitudes
and out of context Bible verses.

We know there should be so much more
than our poor attempts
at reaching beyond the wall we've built
to hide ourselves from discomfort.
While handshakes are nice and all
they tend to fall
a little short
when you are drowning.

How can we even show that we care more
when we're trained to ignore
those we pass on the street
all the strangers we meet
that we greet
and forget.

Good wishes without substance are not very appealing,
and caring isn't just a feeling.
But no one will ever know its there
if we won't dare
to step out of our little box
into the mess of others' lives.

So would you mind
if we could mind
just a little more than we do,
and find
perhaps
we are the lonely and hurting ones
too.

Mommy Moments: A Helping Hand

My younger toddler recently discovered the cupboard where I store the juice, leading to a baby lock being put on the cupboard. Unfortunately, my older toddler knows how to open baby locks...

I overhear the following conversation while in the bathroom:

Older Toddler: I will open it for you because you are my brother.

*click*

Younger Toddler: Yay! Did it!

Mommy Moments: Lawyer Material

My 3-year-old asks for a chocolate cookie just before supper.

Me: Sorry, no. If you eat a chocolate cookie you won't have any room for supper.

3-Year-Old: But if I eat supper I won't have room for a chocolate cookie!

Me: ...

Me: Touché.

Me: But no.

Mommy Moments: Lunch

Me: What would you like for lunch?

3-Year-Old: I want kombucha and pingpics (pancakes) and pingpic dipdip (maple syrup)!

Me: ...

The Girl From Moab

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting on my blog as much as I used to. There are many things that have been keeping me from writing as much as I'd like, but one of the more exciting reasons is that I have been putting a lot of time into the revisions of my original musical, The Girl From Moab!

This musical was originally written six years ago as a summer project with a co-worker of mine. The original musical was just over an hour long and was very well received by the local audience that came to see it performed. Since then, it has been a dream of mine to expand it into a full-length musical, and that is finally happening!! I have spent the past seven months re-writing the book, and now I am moving onto the music. Many of the original songs are being adapted and re-written, and there are over ten new songs being added!

I'd love for all of you to be just as excited about it as I am, so I am going to be posting updates ever now and then on how the revisions are going. Maybe I will even give you little sneak peaks and inside information about the script!

My next task, complete the score: 1 song down, 22 to go!

Mommy Moments: One of Those Days

Person [texts me]: How is your day going?

Me [thinks]: Well, I'm hiding in my room eating a handful of chocolate chips, so take a guess.

Mommy Moments: Little Salesman

Me: How are your cheerios, Steven?

Toddler: They taste yummy! They taste yummy every day!

Sacrament

Cheerio off the nursery floor.
Holy sacrament.
Placed into cupped hands—
Take.
Eat.
His body given for you.

And the wine now turned to water
Poured out
From the sippy cup that leaks.
Drink it, mommy.

A sacred moment—
Enshrined in the holy of holies
Behind plexiglas windows.
Has anyone been missed?

Cheerio off the nursery floor.
Holy sacrament.

Reflection

I am a lousy Christian.

I'm supposed to be some sort of new creation, someone who is different,
someone who is being transformed—
but I look in the mirror
and I see
me.

Tired. Dirty. Disgusted.
Knowing that my reflection
is not supposed to be like this.

I am ungrateful.
I complain and complain even though I know
That I am so privileged—to stay home with my children,
to write and play music and have a garden,
that I have family and friends who love me—
but I feel lonely and worn out and—
dare I admit it?
caged.

I am addicted to approval.
I need to be achieving things, need to be accomplishing things
so that people will look at me and be impressed—
that they will praise me and compliment me
and tell me how gifted I am.

I am a liar.
I ignore and fudge the truth
in the name of keeping the peace
and keeping people happy,
bending over backwards
so that I never receive someone's disapproval.

There is unforgiveness in my heart.
I hold it tight—against those who have hurt me—
against those who have hurt my family.
My heart will not accept them—does not want to welcome them—
does not want to be hurt again.

I am a coward.
I hide in myself, ignoring the little voice
that tells me what I should be doing,
because it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I don't speak when I know I should,
Letting unkind words and injustice continue
even though I see it and know it is wrong.

I am a lousy Christian.
I say that I follow Jesus,
but then go about my day—
too lazy to try harder and too proud to surrender,
but still not ready
to resign myself to the reflection
and pull up my chair to the table of the hypocrites.

Marbles

Clacking marbles, that's all we are—
Apathetic, bouncing off each other,
Passing by without a care or even waving.
Isolated, that's what we are—
Tombed in splendid homes with gates and shutters,
All-consumed with our own comfort,
Living in excess with bloody footprints
In our wake from those dehumanized for profit.
Selfishness concealed by friendly smiles and Sunday manners
Making us look good without the inconvenience of caring.

Victims of our fear, our walls become our prisons.
Sanitized to death, we lose our souls.

Could there be hope for more than this?
Our lives could grow together, intertwined
More closely than a twisting vine; our hearts
May choose to love—
Unswerving, wildly, recklessly,
Not bound by fear, but leaping headlong into life
In all its broken, dirty, pain-filled glory as
These grapes are crushed together—can't you see?
You were not made to be a clacking marble.

Mommy Moments: Aye Laddie

I don't know how it happened, but Kenneth has learned to pronounce k's as if they are a Scottish "ch". When he asks for milk it is the cutest thing. Now I am looking for ways to make sure he keeps saying it like that forever.

Mommy Moments: Little Scientist

Our 3 year old pronounces animals as "amamals".

Our 1 1/2 year old has adopted this pronunciation from his big brother, but has shortened it, calling them "mammals".

He doesn't realize how correct he is.

While It Was Still Dark

She knew what hopelessness was like
But this time somehow it was worse
For she knew love and hope and peace
Then watched as senseless violence burned
Her hope and future into ash
The one she loved, teacher and friend
Tortured and murdered ruthlessly
The eyes that saw her see no more
The hands that touched and healed the sick
Now bloodied, mutilated, dead
Despair and fear now fill her heart
As friends disperse, flee for their lives
And yet she cannot stay away
Her heart still yearns for what is lost
She slips away, out of the city
While it was still dark.

With heavy heart she seeks the tomb
No hopes or plans in mind except
To be close to the one she loved
To care for him one final time
She weeps and walks her lonely road
Believing that this is the end
But soon she'll find the tomb unbarred
Her fear and sorrow overwhelmed
Engulfed by wonder beyond hope
Before her eyes he stands alive—
But she is still upon the road
In grief and darkness and despair
Continues faithful step by step
To where her heart at last will know
The miracle already happened
While it was still dark.

A Long Overdue Update and 300 Posts!

I realize that it has been a very long time since I posted a good old-fashioned family update, so I figured that it is about time! Also, I just wanted to note that this is my 300th post on this blog! That's a lot of writing! Sometimes it feels like it's just me here, hitting keys and staring at a screen, but the stats say that I've had over 300 page views this past month—and that's been without promoting my blog on social media! So thank you so much to each one of you who keeps coming back to read what I have to say. Thank you to those who have left comments or responded to me privately. Your encouragement means so much to me.

So—family update time! My little boys are quickly growing up to be not so little. They are both forces to be reckoned with and possess (seemingly) endless energy. They are starting to play together now—and starting to get in trouble together! There is never a dull moment around here!

Steven is endlessly resourceful and loves making up new "games" to play. He has no hesitations about going for what he wants, whether through negotiation or pure initiative—he has been known to climb up to get the juice out of the fridge, climb up to get cups out of the cupboard, and pour juice for himself and his brother, and then put everything away again, while I am only out of the room for a couple of minutes! He climbs absolutely everything, loves reading books, and is a big fan of "Veggie Rock", specifically the Hairbrush Song.

Kenneth is constantly trying to keep up to his big brother—and he does a very good job of it! He is very funny, and has become quite the chatterbox, with a word for almost everything (even if we can't always understand what the word is)! He loves animals, music, and dancing, and whenever there is some great dance music being played, he will run up to whoever is in the house saying, "Come! Come!" until everyone joins in the dance.

For Jesse and I, it seems like life is mostly work and taking care of our family, but one recent thing of note is that we recently finished our longest-running D&D campaign with some close friends of ours that spanned from South Korea to British Columbia to Vermont.

As a family, we are in a significant time of transition right now, as we figure out our living situation, Jesse's work, and make decisions about the future. It can be hard to balance the mundane of the day-to-day with the bigger questions of where we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to be doing, but I'm glad that the conversation has been started, and we'll see where we end up!

Lenten Lessons

Giving up something for Lent is a longstanding tradition in many branches of the Christian faith. Although it is a fairly new concept for me personally, the last few years have seen me attempting to fast from something (or do something new) for the season of Lent.

This year as Lent approached, I knew what I needed to give up, and I knew it would be hard.

You see, life has been pretty tough lately—for the past six months or so. I've had to watch several people that I am close to go through some significant struggles, and it left me feeling very isolated and lonely. The way that I mostly dealt with that was through writing. I blogged, and wrote stories, and poetry, and journaled and journaled and journaled. But whenever I just felt too tired or overwhelmed to write, I turned to social media. I know social media can be a good thing, but I knew I wasn't using it well. I would scroll and scroll and it would make me feel worse, not better. But when I felt so overwhelmed and like I just had to escape somehow, that was the only thing I felt like I could turn to—the only thing easy enough to turn to—and it was becoming more and more frequent.

So when I considered whether to give something up for Lent, I knew that I needed to give up social media. Specifically, I needed to give up scrolling social media, and any other way that I would go to it for escape or affirmation. So no posting just to get likes or comments or to get people to read my blog. I did, however, decide to continue accessing social media as a way of communication and as a tool. I have many friends that I primarily communicate with through facebook. I use tumblr for some of my writing. So I have still been accessing social media, but it has all been very pragmatic.

So, how has it been going? It has been hard. Absolutely. Because of circumstances outside of my control, life has been even more challenging over the past couple of months, leaving me struggling with hurt, anger, and the uncertainty of the future. And I have nowhere to hide. I can't numb it out with social media, because I am fasting from that. I can't write—the primary writing project I used to take refuge in has come to a practical standstill, and my "inspiration" for my own projects feels dry dry dry. There have been many times over the past weeks, in those times when I used to pull out my phone to write or to scroll, that I just sit there. I hug my knees and stare at nothing, because there is nothing that I have the energy or the heart to do.

Because I can no longer fill up the emptiness with noise, I have had to just sit with that emptiness. It hasn't been fun. But it has been good. It has given me space to just be, just exist. No profound thoughts to share, no online personas to compare myself with, no "likes" to count. Just me and the silence.

But it hasn't all been silence, of course—I do have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, after all!

And there are two things that I have intentionally been adding to my life during this season. First, I have been waking up every morning before the kids so that I can read a little from the Psalms. This has been wonderful. I haven't had a regular devotional time since I left home for Bible School ... ironic, isn't it? It has helped bring an awareness of God into each day, and helps me to not grumpily start the day with a significantly-too-awake toddler in my face. The only downside has been realizing how messed up my relationship with sleep is—how that "five more minutes" of sleep in the morning feels like the holy grail, and yet I refuse to have the discipline to go to bed at a reasonable time in the evening. That has been a challenge, but I am starting to get to bed earlier, which has been helping me a lot.

Beyond needing more discipline in the area of sleep, the big thing that I have been exploring during my time in the Psalms so far is the question of what I rely on. Again and again the Psalms speak about trusting in God—that he is our rock and our refuge and our deliverer. But I can't help wondering what that practically looks like, in my day to day life. I know what it looks like to rely on social media, what it looks like to rely on human affirmation, and my own achievements, and five more minutes of sleep. But what does it look like to truly rely on God? That is a question that I am still exploring.

The second thing that I have been doing is more directly related to my Lenten fast. Whenever I wish I could scroll social media, and I feel up for it, I instead try to connect with people in a more personal way. I send a message to someone who has been on my mind lately, I pray for them, I write a letter, give them a call, or try to invite them over. Through doing this, I am trying to combat my feelings of loneliness and isolation by building meaningful relationships. I am trying to shift my perspective from a focus on myself to a focus on how I can bless and encourage others. I am trying to nurture a thankfulness for the relationships that I do have.

As Lent has progressed and spring has arrived, it has been wonderful to realize that the sun is shining a bit more, literally and figuratively. I've started writing a bit again. I am finding myself more thankful for my children, and my husband, and the life that I have. The progress feels very slow sometimes, but I know it's there. It has been a hard season, but I am learning to be thankful for all of the ways that I have been growing through it.

Blackout Poetry

I tried my hand at blackout poetry for the first time last night, along with a couple friends. We each started with the same page of text, and it was interesting to see how different each of our finished poems were, both visually and in the words we chose to use.

I've included a photo of my completed poem. If you find it hard to read it in the photo, here is the text:

I remember
I
Might
Pass between
The sadness and the silence
Into the freedom beyond
The moonlight.

A Love Letter to 14-Year-Old Leane

14-year-old Leane,
I know you're really lonely.
You thought you had friends, but then they forgot about you.
They left you behind.
And that really hurts.
It will keep hurting, for a very long time.
I'm sorry.
And the friends that you still have, you don't trust them anymore.
You don't trust that they really like you.
You wonder when they will leave too.

14-year-old Leane,
Don't stop trying to make friends.
There are people out there that will like you and appreciate you.
You will find them someday.
I promise.

14-year-old Leane,
I know you want to be an actor,
But you're scared, and self-conscious,
And you don't think you can do it.
And no one else thinks you can do it.
No one is pushing you to try, to fail, and to keep trying until you succeed.
When you fail, I think they're secretly glad, because they want to save you from it.
I wish I could be there
And tell you to try
Because trying doesn't get any easier as you get older
And dreams don't go away just because you give up on them.

14-year-old Leane,
You just wrote a script, and you're really excited about it.
But nobody else seems to be excited.
It's nothing special to them.
Your friends even made fun of it.
But don't stop being excited!
You are going to direct that play, and it is going to open up a whole new world to you—
A passion that will carry you right through your high school years and beyond,
That will create a community and build friendships,
And it will all be because of you.
It will show you the kind of impact that you can have
By just being yourself and doing what you love.

14-year-old Leane,
Things will get better.
And then they will get worse again, and then better again.
Because life is like that.
Don't let the pain stop you from living.
You are smart.
You are kind, and considerate, and gentle.
You are significant.

14-year-old Leane,
I remember you well.
You are still a part of me.
Deep inside, I am you—
A shy, insecure, lonely dreamer.

14-year-old Leane,
Keep dreaming.
I love you.

El Roi: The God Who Sees Me

For Lent this year, our church put together a devotional focused on different names of Jesus. The members of our church were invited to submit a devotional, poem, art piece, or other original work to be a part of it. I wrote a devotional, and I thought I would share it here as well.
____

El Roi: The God Who Sees Me

Genesis 16 tells the story of how Hagar became pregnant with Ishmael, was mistreated by Sarai, and ran away into the wilderness. The angel of the Lord met her there and gave her a promise about her child. At the end of that encounter Hagar gave God the name, "The God who sees me". We might not expect God to see a rejected, runaway slave girl, but he did.

When we look at the life of Jesus, we see a beautiful picture of what it looks like when "the God who sees" walks on the earth. He sees the Samaritan woman (John 4), he sees the bleeding woman (Luke 8), he sees Zacchaeus (Luke 19), and the list could go on and on. Jesus saw and reached out to the outcasts, the unclean, the sinners, and all those who were rejected by society.

Today, our God is still the God who sees. He is the God who sees the marginalized, the oppressed, the forgotten. He is the God who sees everyone. He is the God who sees us. We all go through times and seasons when we feel very alone. Maybe it is because of a loss or traumatic event. Maybe it is because of mental or physical illness. Maybe it is from being a parent of young children or the caretaker for someone with special needs. Maybe it is something else. We may feel invisible, overlooked, ignored, forgotten. But God sees us. He reaches out to us in our wilderness, even as he reached out to Hagar so long ago.

As Jesus-followers, we are also called to be people who see. Seeing is hard. It means slowing down, looking away from the things that engross our attention and fill our busy lives, and instead starting to notice those who go unnoticed. Being like Jesus means seeing the homeless, the refugees, the victims of racism, abuse, and colonialism, the troubled youth on the street corner and the elderly person in palliative care, and all those in between who are rejected and forgotten by the world.

But seeing is not just about looking. True seeing leads to meaningful action. God provided for Hagar. Jesus stopped, and talked, and touched. If we are going to be like our Father Who Sees, then we need to be ready to do something about what we see.

Personal Reflection:
When was a time that you knew beyond a doubt that God sees you? What makes you feel seen?

A Challenge:
Today, try to "see". Slow down and notice the people you wouldn't usually notice. Then do something about what you see. Give a smile, a hug, a helping hand.

Father, thank you that you are the God who sees us. Thank you for being with us, even in the dark and challenging times when we feel alone and forgotten. Help us to be people who see and who show your love to a broken and hurting world. Amen.

Star

There is only one star tonight.
Clouds cover the sky
Heavy and dark
Affording only the smallest glimpses
Into the starlit sky beyond
And then
The pollution of a hundred thousand
Man-made lights
Floods the darkness with an unnatural glow
A haze of obscurity
Bringing neither clarity nor comfort
Drowning out
Any companion that may be found.
Wait
There is a second star
Peering through the haze
And there, another
Or perhaps the clouds
Shifted
Just a little.
There are three stars tonight.

Mommy Moments: Compliments

3-year-old: Mommy, you're coot.

Me: Do you mean cute?

3-year-old: No, coot.

Me: What does coot mean?

3-year-old: Coot means coot.

Me: ...

3-year-old: You're coot like the leafs.

Me: ... Thanks?

Narnia

Childhood winter days—
I remember when glistening snow
Turned everything into a magical world.
I walked through the woods
With wide eyes and baited breath
To see Tumnus waiting for me
Just beyond the light of the lamppost.

But now the snow cannot muffle
The blaring horns and thrumming engines,
The clattering of machinery that encroaches.
My Narnia is shrinking.

And I—I have changed too—
My feet sink deeper in the snow
My gaze moves downward
As my mind carries the worries of the day.
I fight
To lift my eyes
To the snow-laden branches.
The magic, the peace and beauty
Cannot touch the heaviness of my heart.

Where has my wonder gone?
I am tied to the earth—tired—
Afraid I will hear Aslan say
I'm too old to go back to Narnia.

Rainy Playground

Finding beauty in the little things...

Mindfulness

Breathe.
A deep breath.
Feel the air moving
In and out.
Your heart is beating.
You are alive.

Your feet are touching the ground.
Notice that.
Feel the pressure on your feet,
The hardness of the ground.
Your hands are cold.
They ache a little when you move them.
The blanket is soft.
Feel it.
There is another blanket piled on the ground—
The light from the window creates highlights and shadows on it
As if it should be drawn for an art class.
Study it with care.
Appreciate the highlights and the shadows.
There are toys scattered across the floor too.
Notice the cow figurine
Balanced on top of the police car.
Think about the creativity of a three-year-old
Who wanted to give his toy a ride.
There is a single sock under the chair.
It was dropped there after coming home from the park.
Think about little feet
That love to run and climb
And jump in puddles.
Listen to the noises of the house.
Hear the hum of the refrigerator coming from the kitchen,
The toddler chattering to himself in his bedroom,
The rumble of the car passing on the street.
It is raining.
Watch the drip drip drip
Of water falling from the power lines.
Hear the buzz of the oven timer,
The child calling for you,
The footsteps running down the hall.
There is a half-eaten cookie forgotten on the piano bench.
Notice its texture,
Its colour.
Observe the overflowing basket of laundry,
The dust on the piano,
The crumbs littering the floor.
Feel the stress that rises in response to the needs of the day,
The worries that never really go away.
Open your hands and accept the grace present in this moment.

Breathe.
A deep breath.
Feel the air moving
In and out.
Your heart is beating.
You are alive.

Mommy Moments: Skill Check

Steven: (Tries to trade a less-than-desirable toy for the coveted toy that Kenneth is playing with.)

Me: Roll a diplomacy check.

Mommy Moments: Little Teacher

One year old: (pointing to the moose on his brother's pajamas) Woof! Woof!

Three year old: No! That's a donkey! Hee haw!

One year old: ... Moo!

The Wind

The wind is calling me,
Its siren song echoing across the sky
Catching the trees in its turbulent embrace
Sweeping down from the skies to grace the earth with a kiss
While leaves scuttle and dance down the street.

The wind is calling me,
Winding its way past the pages of time
Pausing by a viewpoint high above the evergreens
Rocky crags surrounded by stunted oak and smooth arbutus
Where the ravens soar and dance on a radiant autumn day.

The wind is calling me,
Beckoning me back to the shores of the sea
Where breakers roar and crash on the rocks
While the wind sends glistening spray skyward
And there is salt in the air.

The wind is calling me,
Sweeping aside the cold concrete of the city
Unveiling a haven where the world is wild and green
I find myself following ancient paths
With wonder and adventure around every bend.

The wind is calling me.

Small Victories

I just had to share my self-care chart from last week. I am proud of myself for being able to check so many things off, especially since it was a very challenging week.

This week already isn't going as well, but I will take whatever small victories I can!

Characters

One of the things I enjoy about role-playing games (like D&D) is getting to create characters. Beyond the "stats" needed to play the game, I enjoy spending lots of time developing their personality and backstory. After I have finished creating a character, the final step is to draw a picture of what they look like.

As a bit of a change from what I usually post, I thought I would share my collection of character portraits!

Thea was my very first character. She has changed a lot over the years and the three campaigns she has been through. She started out as a fledgling bard on a journey of self-discovery, and grew into a highly skilled and confident diplomat and entertainer who presides over her own inn and can hold her own in any fight.

Alexsey is a paladin, created from the premise, "What if Boromir hadn't died, but instead had to roam the world, never returning home?" I created an original backstory for him, but it contains familiar elements, like a good heart, a powerful artifact, and a tragic failing.

Rahel, a mysterious assassin, came to an untimely end in a perilous labyrinth ... or was that really the end of her story?

Nivara, a reclusive wood-elf, is traveling with two rangers to the City of the Dead in an attempt to end the mysterious plague that is destroying their forest.

Amelia Greenbottle is a hobbit grandma who got restless and decided to go adventuring. She may look old and fragile, but she is not an opponent to be trifled with!

Roywyn Ellywick Lorilla Tana Timbers (more commonly known as "Fnipper") has an enthusiasm for life that borders on ridiculous. She may be small, but the size of her vibrant personality makes up for that!

Rosalia is one of eleven children born to a poor "hobbit" family. She loves having fun and enjoying art, but most of all she is determined to be a successful musician.

My newest character, traveling under the name Lander, is the grandchild of a famous dragon-hunter-turned-traitor. After receiving death threats, Lander is trying to lay low, but they cannot escape the festering desire to restore their family's broken honour.

Commission

She wakes early in the morning, catching those few, small moments before the chaos of the day begins.

Her Bible open on her lap, she tries to slow her mind, already racing with the tasks of the day. There is laundry to be done, meals to be made, the endless cleaning of mess after mess. There are broken toys to be fixed, torn clothes to be mended, phone calls to be made, Christmas decorations that still haven't been put away. She hopes she can find time to get outside, to practice her music, to do some writing.

Her mind wanders to her many friends that are struggling. The ones with depression. The ones with anxiety. The ones who have experienced things that no one should have to go through. She thinks about her husband who is feeling unwell and weighed down by stress. She thinks about her children who will soon be waking, filling the house with their endless exuberance, requiring so much love and attention.

She lifts her eyes, whispering to one unseen, "There is so much. I can't do everything I want to do and be everything they need me to be. I need your help. Show me what you would have me do today."

The reply presses deep into her heart:

"Love them."

Mommy Moments: Never a Dull Moment

The most recent development that I have walked in on:

The three-year-old taking mouthfuls of water from his water bottle and spitting them out on the floor for the one-year-old who then sucks the water up off the floor.

...

I feel like there are better ways to give your brother a drink.

The Fire

I thought myself so selfless:
I cared about everyone. I was always willing to listen,
And never held myself back from those that I could help.
But now there is no break, no words of thanks.
Selflessness is both expected and demanded by the little ones I ceaselessly care for.
I realize now just how much I kept for myself,
How much of my giving was really to benefit myself.
I did not know how selfish I was.

I thought myself so patient:
I was imperturbable. No matter what happened,
I responded with grace and fortitude.
But now completing the simplest tasks takes ten times longer than it should.
Little feet stop to smell the roses, even when there are no roses.
I realize now that I was only patient when it was convenient for me,
That hurry is branded on my heart.
I did not know how impatient I was.

I thought myself so humble:
I was content to do my best, even in unseen ways.
I did not need the praise my actions and accomplishments so often received.
But now most of what I do goes unnoticed. My days are filled with the unremarkable,
And the reward of success is merely doing it again the next day.
I realize now how much I find my value in what I do,
That I desperately need approval.
I did not know how proud I was.

Tell me, what purpose has this furnace?
Some twisted penance a thousand times over for every time I considered myself such a good person?
Can I return to my old, comfortable ignorance of my own condition?

Or, perhaps, by God's grace, could this lump of coal one day become a diamond?