Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I've been thinking a lot about thanksgiving lately. Mainly because giving thanks is pretty hard right now.

Since I wrote last month about my health, not much has changed. Well, I think I have improved a little, but I have also learned the hard way that doing too much can have disastrous consequences, costing me days or even weeks of progress.

Because I have to be so careful, this has been a season of loss for me. I had to step down from leading worship at church. I had to cancel the play that I was planning to direct this fall. Some weeks, I haven't even been able to go to church. I've had to rely on others to go grocery shopping, hang out the laundry, and do other household chores that I wouldn't have had any problem doing before.

As I have been forced to do as little as possible, I am realizing just how much I do every day, and how quickly I want to jump up and take care of things whenever I see something that needs to be done. Now, I have to stop and evaluate: does this really need to happen right now? Do I actually need to do it, or could someone else do it? It is surprising to me how hard it is to let go.

Having very limited energy has also made me more aware of habits and patterns in my life that happen so automatically that I don't even think about them. For example, I've always known that I sense and absorb the emotions of those around me, but I hadn't realized how much emotional energy I put into trying to improve the emotional environment I am in. If someone is having a bad day, if someone is feeling lonely or ignored, if someone is feeling hurt in any way, I impulsively try to compensate for that, pouring out emotional energy in an attempt to make everything better and infuse joy and life into the world around me.

Now I can't do that. I can't do all of the giving and serving and doing and accomplishing that makes me feel valuable and seen. Without it, I feel kind of lost.

I am trying to be thankful for everything I am learning through this time. I'm trying to be okay with recognizing my limitations and letting go. I'm trying to be okay with letting my world shrink and slow down.

Even though it's hard, I know that I really do have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for Jesse and all the rest of the household, as they've had to pick up the slack and take care of all the things that I can't do now. I am so thankful that the weather has been nice, and that I can lie down outside and enjoy the sunshine, even though I can't go hiking or to the park. I am so thankful for all of the people who have asked about how I'm doing, who have come and watched the kids so I can rest, who have brought meals, or washed the dishes, or helped clean up the mess when Kenneth crashed a pile of plates onto the kitchen floor.

If you are one of those people, thank you so much.

I'm heading back to the doctor tomorrow to see if my latest bunch of tests have anything to say about what is wrong with me. It would be nice to have some answers, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. For now, I'm trying to breathe deep, be careful, and remember that this is just a season, and a season in which I am not alone.

One More Potato

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I thought that I would share something else that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for one more potato.

Let me explain.

I was preparing food for the Sunday potluck that we host every week. I had decided to make what I dubbed a "Thanksgiving shepherd's pie", basically a shepherd's pie with a layer of stuffing on top of the mashed potatoes. (It actually turned out really well! I would recommend trying it.) As I was peeling and chopping potatoes and putting them on to boil, I wondered if I had prepared enough potatoes. After some consideration, I decided I should peel one more, just in case. I reached down into the cupboard and pulled out one more potato.

One more potato. That was all. But that moment was very profound for me.

You see, most of us can reach into the cupboard and pull out another potato. It's so normal, we don't even think about it. But I invite you to consider for a moment with me just how amazing that is:

We have so much food. Even though there have been times when money was short, we've never gone hungry.

I get to choose what food I want to prepare. I have access to almost any kind of food I could want.

Food is a thing. Have you ever thought about that? Things grow that are edible, and we can use them to get the nutrients we need to live.

I have a wonderful, large kitchen that I get to use. It isn't a dark cave or very old and dirty like some of the other kitchens in places we have lived.

We have a large household, with an open door. I've always wanted it to be like that. We aren't just a family of two parents and two kids—we have opened our home to so many, and I am thankful for each of them.

One more potato—such a simple thing—but a reminder that I have so much to be thankful for.

What is something normal in your life that has reminded you to be thankful?

Thankful

Not long ago, I received an email update from a friend who is a missionary overseas. As I was reading her email, one quote seemed to jump right off the page:

"The next step after a seed is planted is not fruit; it’s roots."

This quote helped me define exactly what it is that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving—roots. I am starting to grow roots, however slowly and tentatively. It feels like it has taken such a long time to feel secure enough for roots to start taking hold. And no wonder—in the ten years since I finished high school I have lived in ten different homes, across four different cities/parts of the world. I suppose that's the life of a student, but it always seemed like I would just start making friends and then have to say goodbye; I would just get used to my classes or work and then be moving on to the next chapter. But somehow, just recently, I am actually starting to feel like I belong where I am, like I have roots.

It is easy to become frustrated by a perceived lack of "fruit", feeling like I don't have many friends, like I don't belong, like I'm just surviving. But this quote helped remind me that things take time. We can't throw our lives together in a few days or weeks. Our lives are more like a garden—grown and cultivated over many years. It's so easy to see how far I have to go, but today I'm thankful that my roots are growing.

Part of me is terrified that something will happen, that things will change again, and I will again feel the pain of those tender roots being torn out of their soil. It has happened so often over the past ten years—so often that those roots that used to stretch out eagerly have become reluctant and tentative. But still, there they are.

The place where I have noticed these roots the most lately is at church. Jesse and I have been attending the same church for four years now—ever since we got married and decided that we wanted to find a home church. Last Sunday we had a communion service and there was a time of sharing when people from the congregation could stand up and share something that was on their heart. As I looked around the congregation, I suddenly realized that I felt like I was home, that this is my church, and my family. It was quite an overwhelming moment for me, because I haven't felt like that in so long.

I am very thankful for my church. It is not perfect, of course, but I see a community of people who are learning and growing and seeking to follow in the way of Jesus. It is a place where we have a voice and where we have something to offer. Jesse and I are still trying to make friends there—it is slow going, especially when so much of the congregation has been attending for so long and already has their friends and connections. But at least now when I look around me I see faces that I know. There are many whose stories I have heard, and many whose struggles I know and care about.

Sometimes it is easier to think about how it takes so long for roots to grow. Our Thanksgiving weekend is event-less, except for playing a game of D&D online with a friend. Our family is far away, and most people are busy with their own families. We keep trying to make new friends and connect with old friends who are still in the area, but it always seems like everyone is too busy. But this Thanksgiving I want to focus on the roots that I have been growing, however slowly it may be. I am thankful to finally be home.

Thanksgiving & Lament

I am thankful for our home. We have a comfortable, safe place to live. It's full of books, music, clothes, furniture... everything we need. But we would really love to have a place where our son could have his own room instead of sleeping in ours. And our place is so cave-like with no sunshine coming in our north-facing windows. And there's no yard for our son to play in. And no room for animals or a garden. We aren't city people, and yet here we are, living in the middle of a city. I am thankful for our home, but I feel trapped.

I am thankful for enough food to eat. Even though the budget is tight some months, we've never gone hungry, and we always have more than enough to share. So much of my day is taken up by food. Planning, shopping, preparation, eating, cleaning up... sometimes it's too much and I ignore it for a while, but then we end up eating nachos again. And to eat ethically is so expensive! Especially since we don't have the space to grow it ourselves. It is frustrating how simple, ethical living can seem so impossible. I don't want how I live to have a negative impact on others around the world, but sometimes that seems like an impossible ideal. I am thankful for our food, but I feel so frustrated.

I am thankful for our friends. There are many wonderful people who we share laughter and games and food with. We love it when our home is full of people. That doesn't happen as often as we would like. People are so busy, with work and other commitments. I can sometimes go a whole week without seeing anyone except for the people that I live with. I try, but it is easy to be discouraged when people are always too busy. And other friends live far away. I am thankful for our friends, but I feel so lonely.

I am thankful for my family. I get to be mom to the most amazing boy I could ever ask for. He is so smart and funny and cute. It is a privilege to watch him learn and grow. It is also exhausting. Especially since he had been waking up a lot more in the night lately. I want to be more interactive, more fun, and give him as enriching a childhood as I can, but many days I just want to hide in my smartphone games, and I feel guilty. I have a loving husband who does whatever he can to help me, and he is so understanding and gentle. But he can't fix everything. And there are times when he is tired and discouraged too, so I try to be there for him even when I feel like I have nothing to give. I am so very thankful for my family, but I feel overwhelmed.

I am thankful for Jesus, our Saviour, and all that he has done for us. He is the one who gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and he wants to be in relationship with us. But I invest so little in that relationship. I know he should be the first priority, but when I have to choose between reading the Bible and making dinner or sweeping the floor or doing the laundry or checking Facebook or watching YouTube or sleeping, those other things win every time. I feel ashamed, but discipline seems to take more energy than I can muster. I want to live a life of purpose and joy, but the song is gone from my heart. So I lean on unconditional grace, but still feel far away from him. I am thankful for Jesus, but my heart is tired.

Thanksgiving 2014

As I pause and reflect on my life, I cannot help but think about how I have so much to be thankful for!  God has provided abundantly and my heart overflows.

Praise the LORD!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.
The Lord builds up Jerusalem; 
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
The LORD lifts up the humble;
he casts the wicked to the ground.

Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make melody to our God on the lyre!
He covers the heavens with clouds;
he prepares rain for the earth;
he makes grass grow on the hills.
He gives to the beasts their food,
and to the young ravens that cry.
His delight is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his pleasure in the legs of a man,
but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him,
in those who hope in his steadfast love.
...Praise the LORD!

~Psalm 147:1-11, 20b

A Thanksgiving centerpiece, complete with fall leaves from Ontario that Mom Winger sent us

A final blossom

A lovely visit with Charlotte, and getting to go hiking again

A visit from Caleb, and our church's yearly retreat at Camp Squeah

A little one on the way

Another baby bump picture :)

God's beautiful creation

So blessed!

What are you thankful for today?