Thanksgiving & Lament

I am thankful for our home. We have a comfortable, safe place to live. It's full of books, music, clothes, furniture... everything we need. But we would really love to have a place where our son could have his own room instead of sleeping in ours. And our place is so cave-like with no sunshine coming in our north-facing windows. And there's no yard for our son to play in. And no room for animals or a garden. We aren't city people, and yet here we are, living in the middle of a city. I am thankful for our home, but I feel trapped.

I am thankful for enough food to eat. Even though the budget is tight some months, we've never gone hungry, and we always have more than enough to share. So much of my day is taken up by food. Planning, shopping, preparation, eating, cleaning up... sometimes it's too much and I ignore it for a while, but then we end up eating nachos again. And to eat ethically is so expensive! Especially since we don't have the space to grow it ourselves. It is frustrating how simple, ethical living can seem so impossible. I don't want how I live to have a negative impact on others around the world, but sometimes that seems like an impossible ideal. I am thankful for our food, but I feel so frustrated.

I am thankful for our friends. There are many wonderful people who we share laughter and games and food with. We love it when our home is full of people. That doesn't happen as often as we would like. People are so busy, with work and other commitments. I can sometimes go a whole week without seeing anyone except for the people that I live with. I try, but it is easy to be discouraged when people are always too busy. And other friends live far away. I am thankful for our friends, but I feel so lonely.

I am thankful for my family. I get to be mom to the most amazing boy I could ever ask for. He is so smart and funny and cute. It is a privilege to watch him learn and grow. It is also exhausting. Especially since he had been waking up a lot more in the night lately. I want to be more interactive, more fun, and give him as enriching a childhood as I can, but many days I just want to hide in my smartphone games, and I feel guilty. I have a loving husband who does whatever he can to help me, and he is so understanding and gentle. But he can't fix everything. And there are times when he is tired and discouraged too, so I try to be there for him even when I feel like I have nothing to give. I am so very thankful for my family, but I feel overwhelmed.

I am thankful for Jesus, our Saviour, and all that he has done for us. He is the one who gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and he wants to be in relationship with us. But I invest so little in that relationship. I know he should be the first priority, but when I have to choose between reading the Bible and making dinner or sweeping the floor or doing the laundry or checking Facebook or watching YouTube or sleeping, those other things win every time. I feel ashamed, but discipline seems to take more energy than I can muster. I want to live a life of purpose and joy, but the song is gone from my heart. So I lean on unconditional grace, but still feel far away from him. I am thankful for Jesus, but my heart is tired.