Then the children came unto their mother, saying, “Why do we not watch Paw Patrol, when verily we did so in past days?” And their mother said unto them, “Can the children watch Paw Patrol as long as their grandmother is with them? But the days will come when their grandmother shall be taken from them, and then they shall watch Paw Patrol.”
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Thursday, 31 October 2019
Thursday, 21 December 2017
A Toddler Christmas Tree
I see your Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and raise you a... Toddler Christmas Tree!
This fine specimen has a 100% success rate of staying upright (so far), and entirely unbreakable decorations (if you don't count the lights). The top half of the tree sports several sparkly necklaces from the dress-up box and a nice assortment of Christmas cards and photos, as well as one star ornament. The bottom half of the tree holds two paper chains which are sometimes on the tree, sometimes on the floor, and sometimes being waved wildly around the house. Best of all, I can tell you with pride that this Christmas tree is 74.5% conflict free. The primary source of conflict has been stopping the toddlers from unplugging the lights. There has also been a very small number of arguments between the toddlers regarding whose paper chain is whose.
I had great aspirations of setting up a more tastefully decorated Christmas tree downstairs where my breakable ornaments would be safe, but have not had the time or energy to indulge in such a frivolous desire. Besides, when one has such a fine Toddler Christmas Tree, how could one wish for anything else?
Friday, 19 May 2017
My Cycle of Writing
For the last few months I have been a part of a collaborative storytelling project called Captives where we receive monthly writing prompts and each write about our own character and how they respond to the people and events that they encounter. (I mentioned it before in this post.) I recently noticed that I have developed a certain routine based around its regular prompts and submission deadlines, and as I find it rather humorous, I decided to share it with you! Although it is specific to this writing project, I think it also reflects my approach writing and creativity in general. Welcome to my head.
_______
*Receives new writing prompt
Oooh! Shiny! So exciting! The plot thickens!
I have no idea what to do with this. My chapter will literally be ten words long.
Hmm I guess this could happen and that could happen, okay this could be good.
So many ideas! I am a genius of storytelling!
My chapter is literally going to be fifty million words long but I don't care. It will be brilliant.
Aaaaaahhhhh it's the night before the deadline!!! Stay up all night!! Must finish the chapter!
Okay... I think it's done... let's just read it over twenty more times to make sure it's perfect.
*Submits new chapter
What if he doesn't like it?? What if it's actually an awful chapter???
*Hides under blanket
*Receives positive feedback
Yay! Approval! I am a good writer after all!
...
...Now what?
...So many withdrawal symptoms...
*Receives new prompt
*And repeat*
_______
Interested in following along with the story as it unfolds? Check out Captives on tumblr.
_______
*Receives new writing prompt
Oooh! Shiny! So exciting! The plot thickens!
I have no idea what to do with this. My chapter will literally be ten words long.
Hmm I guess this could happen and that could happen, okay this could be good.
So many ideas! I am a genius of storytelling!
My chapter is literally going to be fifty million words long but I don't care. It will be brilliant.
Aaaaaahhhhh it's the night before the deadline!!! Stay up all night!! Must finish the chapter!
Okay... I think it's done... let's just read it over twenty more times to make sure it's perfect.
*Submits new chapter
What if he doesn't like it?? What if it's actually an awful chapter???
*Hides under blanket
*Receives positive feedback
Yay! Approval! I am a good writer after all!
...
...Now what?
...So many withdrawal symptoms...
*Receives new prompt
*And repeat*
_______
Interested in following along with the story as it unfolds? Check out Captives on tumblr.
Wednesday, 7 December 2016
Toddler Logic
Logic according to toddlers:
Toddler: Oops, I spilled some of this on the table. I guess I might as well dump the rest of it out on the table too.
Toddler: Mom wants me to play downstairs? Try to get upstairs as quickly as possible. Mom decides to take me upstairs? Have a fit immediately.
Toddler: Giving mom my half eaten apple means that I am entitled to a new apple.
Toddler: If an apple is cut into slices it doesn't count as an apple anymore.
Toddler: When mom says "no, you can't have a cookie," what she actually means is that I can pull a chair over to the counter and help myself.
Toddler: Since I know how to open the door to my room, clearly that means that after mom and dad put me to bed I should try to escape my room fifty million times.
Logic according to moms:
Mom: I know this great game, it's called we all go to sleep.
Toddler: Oops, I spilled some of this on the table. I guess I might as well dump the rest of it out on the table too.
Toddler: Mom wants me to play downstairs? Try to get upstairs as quickly as possible. Mom decides to take me upstairs? Have a fit immediately.
Toddler: Giving mom my half eaten apple means that I am entitled to a new apple.
Toddler: If an apple is cut into slices it doesn't count as an apple anymore.
Toddler: When mom says "no, you can't have a cookie," what she actually means is that I can pull a chair over to the counter and help myself.
Toddler: Since I know how to open the door to my room, clearly that means that after mom and dad put me to bed I should try to escape my room fifty million times.
Logic according to moms:
Mom: I know this great game, it's called we all go to sleep.
Thursday, 19 November 2015
Ground Beef Ginger Bites and Stir Fry
I really like ginger beef. I enjoy it when we go out for Chinese food, and I also make it pretty frequently. (Well, maybe once a month, but I feel like that is pretty often!) The primary obstacle to making it more frequently is the fact that it is pretty rare that we have steak or roast, and when we do that there would be leftovers to use for ginger beef. So I thought that I would try making it with ground beef instead! My idea was to make ground beef "bites", almost like a kind of meatball, to replace the strips of beef you usually would use.
As this would be an "original" recipe, I thought I would share it with you, and include my process too! I hope you enjoy.
How to Make Ground Beef Ginger Bites and Stir Fry.
1. Thaw some ground beef from the freezer. Not an easy task on short notice when you don't have a microwave, but I found that the "warm" setting on the toaster oven worked pretty well.
2. Put on a pot of rice.
3. Mix ground beef with seasonings, bread crumbs, and an egg. Seasoning raw meat is an interesting process, since you can't taste test it to see how it is. I used some minced garlic and a bit of paprika, chili powder, powdered ginger, and a dash of hot sauce, and hoped for the best! The egg and bread crumbs are to hold the meat together.
4. Turn on Christmas music, because we're allowed to now!
5. Use two small spoons to put small pieces of the meat mixture into the frying pan. Kind of like drop cookies. Or mini meatballs. Except that they are not really round. So meatblobs. That does not sound appetizing.
6. Realize the fire is dying, so go give it a poke and add some more wood.
7. Return to frying the meat bites, while baby is hanging off your legs, desperately trying to get attention.
8. When the rice is done, remove from heat.
9. Wonder if baby's cries of "Nana!" mean that he is wanting water. ("Nana" means a lot of different things these days.) Give baby his sippy cup.
10. Decide to take a picture of baby with his sippy cup. But as soon as baby sees the camera, he rejects his sippy cup in favour of trying to eat the camera.
11. Put baby in high chair and give him cherrios.
12. Mix the ingredients for the sauce, which includes soy sauce, vinegar, sugar, corn starch, red pepper flakes, and water.
13. Get a call from husband saying he is going to be late.
14. Notice the time, and think NO WONDER baby is grumpy! He hasn't eaten in ages and it's almost his bedtime!
15. Feed baby sweet potato and applesauce, because that's what's in the fridge. If there's any leftover ginger beef he can have that tomorrow.
16. Grab some mixed nuts to keep you going.
17. Stoke the fire because it is dying again.
18. Finish feeding baby, and notice that he has dumped water all down his front.
19. Change baby's diaper and onesie and put him to bed, realizing that this is the second day in a row that you've skipped brushing his teeth and reading his bedtime story but you can see how tired he is and want to avoid dealing with a tantrum at all costs.
20. Back out in the kitchen, contemplate the fact that nachos sound like a really good idea.
21. Decide that making nachos would be too much work. Eat a bowl of cold cereal instead.
22. Realize that all of the spoons are dirty.
23. Find one clean spoon hidden at the back of the drawer.
24. Chop the vegetables for the stir fry while eating the cereal. I used an onion, red pepper, zucchini, carrots, ginger, and garlic.
25. Hear a really loud banging sound that sounds like it's coming from the roof. Wonder whether someone is coming to kill you.
26. Fry the vegetables. I remembered that I also had two green hot peppers from my garden that I had just picked today, since I was cleaning out my garden plot. With the cool weather we are having now they weren't going to ripen any more. I figured I might as well add them!
27. Wonder how hot the hot peppers are.
28. With fear and trepidation, try eating a piece of one. Realize they aren't too hot. Chop them both up and add them to the stir fry.
29. Hear more loud banging. Have the sudden terrible thought that it might wake the baby, and think venomously that if it did, someone would feel your wrath.
30. Add the sauce and meat to the pan, reduce heat, and simmer.
31. Put on one of husband's sweaters because you are cold.
32. Stoke the fire yet again.
33. Log into facebook and scroll aimlessly through your newsfeed.
34. Realize that supper is going to be ridiculously late.
35. Wonder why you didn't just order Chinese food.
Despite the fact that it was quite the process, supper did turn out well! I would recommend it. And just to be sure that you are not intimidated by my arduous saga, here is the recipe in a more traditional manner:
Ground Beef Ginger Bites and Stir Fry
For Meat:
1 pound ground meat
1 egg
3 tbsp bread crumbs
Powdered ginger, paprika, chili powder, and hot sauce "to taste"
Mix, and drop in small balls or "bites" in pan and fry until cooked.
For Sauce:
1/3 cup soy sauce
2/3 cup water
1 tbsp corn starch
1/2 tbsp hot pepper flakes
1 tbsp vinager
1/4 cup sugar
Mix in a small bowl and set aside.
For Stir Fry:
6 cloves garlic, minced
Chunk of ginger, julienned
Carrots, sliced
Zucchini, sliced
Onion, chopped
Bell pepper, chopped
(optional) Hot pepper, chopped fine
Fry in pan. When softened, add sauce and meat. Stir to combine. Reduce heat and simmer for approximately 5 minutes, or however long you want.
See, that's not so bad!
As this would be an "original" recipe, I thought I would share it with you, and include my process too! I hope you enjoy.
How to Make Ground Beef Ginger Bites and Stir Fry.
1. Thaw some ground beef from the freezer. Not an easy task on short notice when you don't have a microwave, but I found that the "warm" setting on the toaster oven worked pretty well.
2. Put on a pot of rice.
4. Turn on Christmas music, because we're allowed to now!
6. Realize the fire is dying, so go give it a poke and add some more wood.
7. Return to frying the meat bites, while baby is hanging off your legs, desperately trying to get attention.
8. When the rice is done, remove from heat.
9. Wonder if baby's cries of "Nana!" mean that he is wanting water. ("Nana" means a lot of different things these days.) Give baby his sippy cup.
10. Decide to take a picture of baby with his sippy cup. But as soon as baby sees the camera, he rejects his sippy cup in favour of trying to eat the camera.
11. Put baby in high chair and give him cherrios.
12. Mix the ingredients for the sauce, which includes soy sauce, vinegar, sugar, corn starch, red pepper flakes, and water.
13. Get a call from husband saying he is going to be late.
14. Notice the time, and think NO WONDER baby is grumpy! He hasn't eaten in ages and it's almost his bedtime!
15. Feed baby sweet potato and applesauce, because that's what's in the fridge. If there's any leftover ginger beef he can have that tomorrow.
16. Grab some mixed nuts to keep you going.
17. Stoke the fire because it is dying again.
18. Finish feeding baby, and notice that he has dumped water all down his front.
19. Change baby's diaper and onesie and put him to bed, realizing that this is the second day in a row that you've skipped brushing his teeth and reading his bedtime story but you can see how tired he is and want to avoid dealing with a tantrum at all costs.
20. Back out in the kitchen, contemplate the fact that nachos sound like a really good idea.
21. Decide that making nachos would be too much work. Eat a bowl of cold cereal instead.
22. Realize that all of the spoons are dirty.
23. Find one clean spoon hidden at the back of the drawer.
24. Chop the vegetables for the stir fry while eating the cereal. I used an onion, red pepper, zucchini, carrots, ginger, and garlic.
25. Hear a really loud banging sound that sounds like it's coming from the roof. Wonder whether someone is coming to kill you.
27. Wonder how hot the hot peppers are.
28. With fear and trepidation, try eating a piece of one. Realize they aren't too hot. Chop them both up and add them to the stir fry.
29. Hear more loud banging. Have the sudden terrible thought that it might wake the baby, and think venomously that if it did, someone would feel your wrath.
30. Add the sauce and meat to the pan, reduce heat, and simmer.
31. Put on one of husband's sweaters because you are cold.
32. Stoke the fire yet again.
33. Log into facebook and scroll aimlessly through your newsfeed.
34. Realize that supper is going to be ridiculously late.
35. Wonder why you didn't just order Chinese food.
Despite the fact that it was quite the process, supper did turn out well! I would recommend it. And just to be sure that you are not intimidated by my arduous saga, here is the recipe in a more traditional manner:
Ground Beef Ginger Bites and Stir Fry
For Meat:
1 pound ground meat
1 egg
3 tbsp bread crumbs
Powdered ginger, paprika, chili powder, and hot sauce "to taste"
Mix, and drop in small balls or "bites" in pan and fry until cooked.
For Sauce:
1/3 cup soy sauce
2/3 cup water
1 tbsp corn starch
1/2 tbsp hot pepper flakes
1 tbsp vinager
1/4 cup sugar
Mix in a small bowl and set aside.
For Stir Fry:
6 cloves garlic, minced
Chunk of ginger, julienned
Carrots, sliced
Zucchini, sliced
Onion, chopped
Bell pepper, chopped
(optional) Hot pepper, chopped fine
Fry in pan. When softened, add sauce and meat. Stir to combine. Reduce heat and simmer for approximately 5 minutes, or however long you want.
See, that's not so bad!
Tuesday, 10 November 2015
Blogging 101
Blogging. It seems like everyone and their great aunt is writing a blog these days. This plethora of online material can be found all over the internet, covering every topic imaginable. Because it has become so common, it is perhaps too easy to disregard or scorn the humble blog.
But the reality is that blogging is not an enterprise to be undertaken lightly.
For one thing, you need to come up with material to write about. This is not always as easy as it may seem.
For example, on Tuesdays I just can't seem to think of much to talk about. I don't have any poems just waiting to be written or thoughts on life just waiting to be shared. I sit in front of a blank screen and contemplate the fact that my Thursday posts are so much easier to write. All I have to do is make something and take pictures of it. I don't have to try to be deep or clever.
But then on Thursdays, things get busy, or I'm really tired, and I don't have the ingredients to try the new recipe I've been thinking about, or the baby is fussy and doesn't want to entertain himself long enough to let me finish a project to post about. Then I contemplate the fact that Tuesday posts are so much easier to write. I don't need to have free time and the right supplies to make something. All I have to do is think of something to write and write about it.
And then once you have a topic, the next challenge is actually writing about it. This generally involves either an intense multitasking situation where you are typing with one hand while trying to stop the baby's determined effort to eat your laptop, or staying up way too late after the baby is in bed and the tasks of the day are done, desperately trying to write it fast enough so that it can be posted today rather than tomorrow because 11:59pm is coming really quickly. And of course that includes editing it three or four times, because you have to second guess the way that you worded every sentence.
And beyond the actual writing process, being a blogger has a significant impact on your daily life. Everything is fair game for becoming the content of a post. Your friends become familiar with the sheepish question: "Do you mind if I take pictures while we're doing this? I might blog about it later...". You find yourself moving piles of clutter off your table so that you can take pictures of a craft or a muffin or something, only to move the clutter piles back onto the table after the pictures are taken. Assuming that the baby didn't destroy them in the meantime. And you take an embarrassing number of food photos while your family is waiting to eat their dinner.
But despite the challenges, blogging can be a very meaningful method of expression and communication. I hope you enjoy mine, and if you have one you'd like me to check out, feel free to send me a link!
P.S. Did you get the title of the post? It's the 101st post on my blog, and it's about blogging! Hahaha... ha... ha.... It's never as funny when you have to explain it...
But the reality is that blogging is not an enterprise to be undertaken lightly.
For one thing, you need to come up with material to write about. This is not always as easy as it may seem.
For example, on Tuesdays I just can't seem to think of much to talk about. I don't have any poems just waiting to be written or thoughts on life just waiting to be shared. I sit in front of a blank screen and contemplate the fact that my Thursday posts are so much easier to write. All I have to do is make something and take pictures of it. I don't have to try to be deep or clever.
But then on Thursdays, things get busy, or I'm really tired, and I don't have the ingredients to try the new recipe I've been thinking about, or the baby is fussy and doesn't want to entertain himself long enough to let me finish a project to post about. Then I contemplate the fact that Tuesday posts are so much easier to write. I don't need to have free time and the right supplies to make something. All I have to do is think of something to write and write about it.
And then once you have a topic, the next challenge is actually writing about it. This generally involves either an intense multitasking situation where you are typing with one hand while trying to stop the baby's determined effort to eat your laptop, or staying up way too late after the baby is in bed and the tasks of the day are done, desperately trying to write it fast enough so that it can be posted today rather than tomorrow because 11:59pm is coming really quickly. And of course that includes editing it three or four times, because you have to second guess the way that you worded every sentence.
And beyond the actual writing process, being a blogger has a significant impact on your daily life. Everything is fair game for becoming the content of a post. Your friends become familiar with the sheepish question: "Do you mind if I take pictures while we're doing this? I might blog about it later...". You find yourself moving piles of clutter off your table so that you can take pictures of a craft or a muffin or something, only to move the clutter piles back onto the table after the pictures are taken. Assuming that the baby didn't destroy them in the meantime. And you take an embarrassing number of food photos while your family is waiting to eat their dinner.
But despite the challenges, blogging can be a very meaningful method of expression and communication. I hope you enjoy mine, and if you have one you'd like me to check out, feel free to send me a link!
P.S. Did you get the title of the post? It's the 101st post on my blog, and it's about blogging! Hahaha... ha... ha.... It's never as funny when you have to explain it...
Monday, 7 September 2015
Silly Stories with Andrew
As I was writing writing an earlier post, my brother-in-law Andrew joked that he could write it for me. Well, one thing led to another and he ended up writing a post for my blog. Because why not.
And now it's time for silly stories with Andrew. The part of the blog where Andrew comes out and tells a silly story...
____________
I would like to start off by saying one thing:
There once was a man from perdu
He said I have some in my shoe
Some what? you may ask.
Some juice from your flask?
You never would say if you do.
This reminds me of my childhood because I had a blue cat named Hector and when he walked he leaned a bit to the west. Why the west? Well I can only assume it had something to do with the time he made his attempt at circumnavigating the globe using only common household toiletries. Anyways, he was just never the same after the curling iron. I say all this to say, if you are going to ask a bold question, be prepared to accept a bold answer. You know, the thing I never really understood was why birds fly in the air. I mean seriously, why not just roll on the land? It's a much less risky mode of transportation and you don't have to worry about windows. Unless you roll into one of those basement window-well thingys.
New topic: Allergies. Remember what I was saying about Hector? Well he was severely allergic to toast. Which was a crying shame since he loved it so much. You could always tell when he ate it cuz he would turn completely blue after. Lizards are the best because they can walk on walls and their tongue sticks to food.
And now a poem.
trees
paper
cars
sports
deer
grouch
tilly
house
gourd
very
mapping
kilarny
weaver
sam
xray
fox
zebra
kling
Do you like it? If you can figure out the hidden riddle, call (212) 660-2245 for your prize. Anyways, I asked this random guy that I met the other day if he likes string. He said there was no such thing. I begged to differ and he plugged his nose and blew till a strange noise came out his ear. He said that's why he never trusted leprechauns.
And now it's time for silly stories with Andrew. The part of the blog where Andrew comes out and tells a silly story...
____________
I would like to start off by saying one thing:
There once was a man from perdu
He said I have some in my shoe
Some what? you may ask.
Some juice from your flask?
You never would say if you do.
This reminds me of my childhood because I had a blue cat named Hector and when he walked he leaned a bit to the west. Why the west? Well I can only assume it had something to do with the time he made his attempt at circumnavigating the globe using only common household toiletries. Anyways, he was just never the same after the curling iron. I say all this to say, if you are going to ask a bold question, be prepared to accept a bold answer. You know, the thing I never really understood was why birds fly in the air. I mean seriously, why not just roll on the land? It's a much less risky mode of transportation and you don't have to worry about windows. Unless you roll into one of those basement window-well thingys.
New topic: Allergies. Remember what I was saying about Hector? Well he was severely allergic to toast. Which was a crying shame since he loved it so much. You could always tell when he ate it cuz he would turn completely blue after. Lizards are the best because they can walk on walls and their tongue sticks to food.
And now a poem.
trees
paper
cars
sports
deer
grouch
tilly
house
gourd
very
mapping
kilarny
weaver
sam
xray
fox
zebra
kling
Do you like it? If you can figure out the hidden riddle, call (212) 660-2245 for your prize. Anyways, I asked this random guy that I met the other day if he likes string. He said there was no such thing. I begged to differ and he plugged his nose and blew till a strange noise came out his ear. He said that's why he never trusted leprechauns.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
5 Things I Find Funny
I thought it would be good to follow my weekend rant with something a bit more cheerful. I frequently run across things in my daily life that I find amusing. Sometimes I have a chance to take a picture of them, so I thought I would share some of those with you! These may not be laugh-aloud funny, but I am always encouraged when I remember that there is irony and humour to be found all around us in this crazy world, if we only look for it.
1. The packaging on this Psychology textbook I ordered online that I am quite certain cost significantly more than $10.
2. This transit sign that shares my opinion of big box stores.
3.The fact that when my student loans started asking for repayment, at least they included a postage paid envelope.
4. The time that Google forgot where Canada is.
5. This book that looks like it was munched on by one of its hippos. (I learned my lesson and stopped letting Steven play with his books when I'm not watching.)
What are some things that have made you smile recently?
1. The packaging on this Psychology textbook I ordered online that I am quite certain cost significantly more than $10.
2. This transit sign that shares my opinion of big box stores.
3.The fact that when my student loans started asking for repayment, at least they included a postage paid envelope.
5. This book that looks like it was munched on by one of its hippos. (I learned my lesson and stopped letting Steven play with his books when I'm not watching.)
What are some things that have made you smile recently?
Tuesday, 14 July 2015
How to be a Good Human
Dear reader: Please be aware of the presence of sarcasm.
How to be a Good Human
Be busy.
Fill up your schedule with things to do.
Make sure that you are always accomplishing something.
Work is a good way to be busy
Because then you are also earning money.
But you must also be sure to fill up all of your free time.
Classes and activities can keep you quite busy
And volunteering is also an excellent choice.
Don't forget the endless to do list
Necessary for making your life look perfect.
Groceries to be bought; floors to be swept.
Fill up your life so full
That it becomes impossible to do everything.
Then when people ask you how you are doing
You can say, in a tired voice, "I am so busy."
And you can impress them with how much you are accomplishing.
And you won't need to make excuses
For avoiding messy things like relationships and community.
If, by chance, you happen to have some time
That is not filled by your busy schedule
You must be sure to fill it as quickly as possible.
Or, better yet, spend that time staring at a screen.
Movies, video games, and social media are all permissable.
Then you will trick your mind into believing that you are being busy
Without having to physically do anything.
Be so addicted to busyness
That you don't have time to rest.
Then you can ignore that empty feeling inside
And you won't have to ask yourself questions
About trivial things like purpose and meaning.
Be afraid.
Don't try new things or take risks.
Only do things that are safe and familiar
And keep doing things the way they have always been done.
New is dangerous.
And never forget that the world is a scarey place
With disasters just waiting to happen around every corner.
Always know everything that could go wrong
And let that knowledge paralyze you.
Put your safety above all other priorities
And never stop worrying.
Then you won't be caught unaware
And you won't ever have to leave your comfort zone.
Be afraid of people too.
Especially people who are different than you,
Who look different
Or believe different things.
Don't associate with them.
And certainly don't befriend them.
If you must encounter them in some way
Be sure to inform them how you are right
And don't listen to anything they say
Because you already know that your view is the right one.
Then you won't have to go through the discomfort
Of questioning your beliefs and prejudices.
There you have it, my friends.
Follow these simple guidelines
And you will be a good human.
And you won't have to be bothered by doing something significant
And you certainly won't change the world.
How to be a Good Human
Be busy.
Fill up your schedule with things to do.
Make sure that you are always accomplishing something.
Work is a good way to be busy
Because then you are also earning money.
But you must also be sure to fill up all of your free time.
Classes and activities can keep you quite busy
And volunteering is also an excellent choice.
Don't forget the endless to do list
Necessary for making your life look perfect.
Groceries to be bought; floors to be swept.
Fill up your life so full
That it becomes impossible to do everything.
Then when people ask you how you are doing
You can say, in a tired voice, "I am so busy."
And you can impress them with how much you are accomplishing.
And you won't need to make excuses
For avoiding messy things like relationships and community.
If, by chance, you happen to have some time
That is not filled by your busy schedule
You must be sure to fill it as quickly as possible.
Or, better yet, spend that time staring at a screen.
Movies, video games, and social media are all permissable.
Then you will trick your mind into believing that you are being busy
Without having to physically do anything.
Be so addicted to busyness
That you don't have time to rest.
Then you can ignore that empty feeling inside
And you won't have to ask yourself questions
About trivial things like purpose and meaning.
Be afraid.
Don't try new things or take risks.
Only do things that are safe and familiar
And keep doing things the way they have always been done.
New is dangerous.
And never forget that the world is a scarey place
With disasters just waiting to happen around every corner.
Always know everything that could go wrong
And let that knowledge paralyze you.
Put your safety above all other priorities
And never stop worrying.
Then you won't be caught unaware
And you won't ever have to leave your comfort zone.
Be afraid of people too.
Especially people who are different than you,
Who look different
Or believe different things.
Don't associate with them.
And certainly don't befriend them.
If you must encounter them in some way
Be sure to inform them how you are right
And don't listen to anything they say
Because you already know that your view is the right one.
Then you won't have to go through the discomfort
Of questioning your beliefs and prejudices.
There you have it, my friends.
Follow these simple guidelines
And you will be a good human.
And you won't have to be bothered by doing something significant
And you certainly won't change the world.
Saturday, 14 February 2015
Grapefruit Marmalade
We recently acquired a significant number of grapefruit; however, no one in our household particularly cares for grapefruit. So I did what I usually do when there is something in my kitchen that I don't know what to do with - I googled new recipes. In my research I came across the idea of making grapefruit marmalade. I like marmalade, primarily because when I was a child I was determined to like it, probably because it was "British", and I kept forcing myself to eat it until I actually started liking it. So I figured that marmalade would be a good thing to try making. And besides, I needed something that used a significant number of grapefruit. Here is the recipe that I found: Texas Ruby Red Grapefruit Marmalade
I didn't quite think through the fact that canning becomes a whole new experience when there is a 5-week-old in the house.
So for anyone else out there who is crazy like me, here it is:
How to make grapefruit marmalade (while caring for a baby).
1. Cut 5 grapefruit in half, cover with water in a large pot and boil for two hours.
2. Drain and cool.
3. Try to calm the baby, who is fussing in his bouncy chair. Apparently watching you work in the kitchen is not entertaining him.
4. Wash and sterilize your jars.
5. The baby is still fussing, so move him to his nap corner, hoping he'll fall asleep. He does fall asleep - holding your hand. He's so cute that you feel bad to move your hand, so you sit there for a while with him.
6. You finally get up the motivation to remove your hand and go back to the kitchen.
7. Just as you get going in the kitchen again, the baby wakes up and starts crying. You go back to check on him and realize he needs a diaper change.
8. You change the baby's diaper, and while you're doing so you realize the load of laundry you had in the wash has finished.
9. You put the baby back in his nap corner and go to deal with the laundry. While doing so, you realize you still have a basket of laundry that is dry but hasn't been folded yet. You decide that it can wait.
10. You just get back into the kitchen and the baby starts crying again. You look at the time and realize that he's probably hungry.
11. That reminds you how hungry you are, so you scour the kitchen for something that would be convenient to eat while breastfeeding. Meanwhile, the baby continues crying and shows no sign of getting any happier, so you give up trying to think of something healthy and grab a bag of corn chips.
12. You feed baby while trying not to drop corn chip crumbs on his head.
13. The baby is once again happy to sit in his chair, and you try to decide whether folding the laundry or continuing with the marmalade is more important. Marmalade wins.
14. Cut the grapefruit into chunks, and remove the seeds.
15. Baby is letting you know that once again all is not well with the world, so you check on him and realize that he needs another diaper change.
16. Change the baby's diaper.
17. With baby settled into his chair once again, put the grapefruit, peels and all, into a food processor, and blend until finely chopped.
18. Notice that the daffodil plant on the table has a double-headed flower. Take pictures of it.
19. Put the grapefruit into a pot, along with lemon juice, sugar, and honey.
20. Bring to a boil, and taste. Realize it is still ridiculously bitter, so add more honey. And more honey. An embarrassing amount of honey. Realize that marmalade from the store must have a ridiculous amount of sugar in it.
21. Your husband gets home and you look at the clock and notice that it is already the time that you had planned to leave for supper. Decide that the marmalade has probably boiled for long enough.
22. Pour into jars and finish the canning process. Aren't they pretty!
23. Go out for dinner, leaving the kitchen a complete mess!
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