Lenten Lessons

Giving up something for Lent is a longstanding tradition in many branches of the Christian faith. Although it is a fairly new concept for me personally, the last few years have seen me attempting to fast from something (or do something new) for the season of Lent.

This year as Lent approached, I knew what I needed to give up, and I knew it would be hard.

You see, life has been pretty tough lately—for the past six months or so. I've had to watch several people that I am close to go through some significant struggles, and it left me feeling very isolated and lonely. The way that I mostly dealt with that was through writing. I blogged, and wrote stories, and poetry, and journaled and journaled and journaled. But whenever I just felt too tired or overwhelmed to write, I turned to social media. I know social media can be a good thing, but I knew I wasn't using it well. I would scroll and scroll and it would make me feel worse, not better. But when I felt so overwhelmed and like I just had to escape somehow, that was the only thing I felt like I could turn to—the only thing easy enough to turn to—and it was becoming more and more frequent.

So when I considered whether to give something up for Lent, I knew that I needed to give up social media. Specifically, I needed to give up scrolling social media, and any other way that I would go to it for escape or affirmation. So no posting just to get likes or comments or to get people to read my blog. I did, however, decide to continue accessing social media as a way of communication and as a tool. I have many friends that I primarily communicate with through facebook. I use tumblr for some of my writing. So I have still been accessing social media, but it has all been very pragmatic.

So, how has it been going? It has been hard. Absolutely. Because of circumstances outside of my control, life has been even more challenging over the past couple of months, leaving me struggling with hurt, anger, and the uncertainty of the future. And I have nowhere to hide. I can't numb it out with social media, because I am fasting from that. I can't write—the primary writing project I used to take refuge in has come to a practical standstill, and my "inspiration" for my own projects feels dry dry dry. There have been many times over the past weeks, in those times when I used to pull out my phone to write or to scroll, that I just sit there. I hug my knees and stare at nothing, because there is nothing that I have the energy or the heart to do.

Because I can no longer fill up the emptiness with noise, I have had to just sit with that emptiness. It hasn't been fun. But it has been good. It has given me space to just be, just exist. No profound thoughts to share, no online personas to compare myself with, no "likes" to count. Just me and the silence.

But it hasn't all been silence, of course—I do have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, after all!

And there are two things that I have intentionally been adding to my life during this season. First, I have been waking up every morning before the kids so that I can read a little from the Psalms. This has been wonderful. I haven't had a regular devotional time since I left home for Bible School ... ironic, isn't it? It has helped bring an awareness of God into each day, and helps me to not grumpily start the day with a significantly-too-awake toddler in my face. The only downside has been realizing how messed up my relationship with sleep is—how that "five more minutes" of sleep in the morning feels like the holy grail, and yet I refuse to have the discipline to go to bed at a reasonable time in the evening. That has been a challenge, but I am starting to get to bed earlier, which has been helping me a lot.

Beyond needing more discipline in the area of sleep, the big thing that I have been exploring during my time in the Psalms so far is the question of what I rely on. Again and again the Psalms speak about trusting in God—that he is our rock and our refuge and our deliverer. But I can't help wondering what that practically looks like, in my day to day life. I know what it looks like to rely on social media, what it looks like to rely on human affirmation, and my own achievements, and five more minutes of sleep. But what does it look like to truly rely on God? That is a question that I am still exploring.

The second thing that I have been doing is more directly related to my Lenten fast. Whenever I wish I could scroll social media, and I feel up for it, I instead try to connect with people in a more personal way. I send a message to someone who has been on my mind lately, I pray for them, I write a letter, give them a call, or try to invite them over. Through doing this, I am trying to combat my feelings of loneliness and isolation by building meaningful relationships. I am trying to shift my perspective from a focus on myself to a focus on how I can bless and encourage others. I am trying to nurture a thankfulness for the relationships that I do have.

As Lent has progressed and spring has arrived, it has been wonderful to realize that the sun is shining a bit more, literally and figuratively. I've started writing a bit again. I am finding myself more thankful for my children, and my husband, and the life that I have. The progress feels very slow sometimes, but I know it's there. It has been a hard season, but I am learning to be thankful for all of the ways that I have been growing through it.