What Is This Feeling?

One day a few weeks ago I noticed a strange feeling.

We were all sick with colds.  Jesse had been busy taking a course and had hardly been around at all, which meant that Steven was acting up and I had my hands even more full than usual.  I still had to do laundry every day.  I still struggled to come up with good ideas for meals, and getting Steven to eat them was even more of a struggle.  I still wasn't getting much sleep at night.   Outwardly, nothing seemed to have really changed for the better.  The usual daily grind was still grinding.

But for some reason I felt really good.

Not physically good, I did have a cold after all, but there was a lightness in my spirit that had been missing for quite a while.  It didn't really make sense to me, but I liked it.

It lasted for maybe half a day.

By the time everything and everyone was settled for the evening, I was stressed and tired.  My life situation hadn't changed for the worse, but it sure felt like it had.

Our emotions are very powerful in shaping our experience.  That morning I felt great, so it seemed like life must be going well.  By the end of the day everything felt like a disaster.  But just because our emotions are saying something doesn't mean that it's true.

That doesn't mean that our emotions aren't important or aren't real.  They are!  The problem is when we use our emotions as the only measure of the reality of a situation.  When I'm feeling stressed and anxious it's so easy to feel like everything is going wrong.  But is that really true?  There certainly are some things that aren't as they should be - the toddler is refusing to fall asleep, the baby threw up all over my shirt, the tenant downstairs is smoking again, filling our home with toxic second-hand smoke.  But there are other realities in that situation too.  The toddler is wanting to cuddle and read together - he loves me and wants to spend time with me.  The baby is feeding and growing well, already doubling his birth weight.  There are new opportunities opening up,  special things to look forward to, and I don't have to do the dishes.

My emotions at any given moment don't show me the whole picture, but they do still tell me something important.  Maybe the stress is reminding me that I haven't taken time off for myself lately, or that I need to do something that gives me joy like getting outside or playing music.  Maybe my anxiety is telling me that something I love (the kids) is being endangered (by the second-hand smoke).  Maybe my anger is telling me that I feel helpless in a situation, or that I've been misunderstod.

So when you feel strong emotions, pause for a moment and ask yourself what they are trying to tell you.  The answer generally won't be a blanket statement like "my life sucks" or "no one appreciates me".  Instead it will be more specific: "I'm feeling anxious that I might not be able to pay rent" or "I need more words of affirmation from people".  These insights are empowering rather than paralyzing - working on a budget is a lot easier than trying to make your life not "suck"!

Still, I often end up making generalized statements about my life based on whatever I am feeling at the time.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  I am slowly learning to see what my emotions are really trying to tell me about what is going on.  When I do that, I understand myself more, I find ways that I can improve, and I get better at appreciating my life, no matter what I'm feeling.

No Sew Hobbit Costume

Last year's Doctor Who costumes were so much fun that I really wanted to have themed costumes again this year for Halloween.  I thought that dressing up as characters from The Hobbit would be great - Jesse could be Gandalf, I could be Galadriel, Steven could be Bilbo, and Kenneth could be baby Smaug.  However, good intentions only get you so far, especially when you have two little kids to keep you busy!  Sadly I wasn't able to make costumes for Jesse and myself, but I did manage to dress up the kids!  I found a discounted little dragon costume for Kenneth, and then made a Bilbo costume for Steven.

Here is what I did to make a cheap and easy no-sew hobbit costume!

The nice thing about hobbit costumes is that you can find the clothes you need at thrift stores and then modify them.  For the Bilbo costume I needed a white button-up shirt, a green vest, brown pants, and a red jacket.

I couldn't find a green vest, but I did find a green shirt for fifty cents.  I didn't want to pull out the sewing machine, so to turn the shirt into a vest I cut the sleeves and collar off, cut it open in the front, and then used masking tape to make the "seams".

I sewed on some buttons from my button jar.

And then because I didn't want to make button holes I just used hot glue to attach some velcro to hold the vest closed.

When you attach the velcro together you can't even tell the buttons are just for decoration!  I guess sewing the buttons on means that this isn't completely "no-sew"... but if you really didn't want to sew the buttons on, you could probably hot glue those too.  I don't know how well the hot glue will hold up long-term, but I just wanted it to last for one day, so I didn't care.

I re-used the jacket from Steven's costume last year.  It was too big for him then, and I had to hem it.  It was still too big for him this year, but I didn't have to hem it as much.  Again because I was going for quick and easy, I used masking tape to hem the sleeves, and used safety pins to hem the sides and then covered the safety pins with masking tape to make sure they didn't come undone by accident.

Since we would be trick-or-treating at a local mall, our little hobbit clearly couldn't go barefoot, so I decided to make him furry hobbit feet to attach to his sandals.  I used some yarn that was left over from making this pony.

I cut several strands of similar lengths and then used another piece to tie them all together in the middle.

Then I brought the two sides together to make a pom-pom-like mass of yarn.  I also unraveled some of the yarn so it didn't look as tidy and yarn-like.

Hairy hobbit feet tied to the sandals.

One little hobbit, ready to go on an adventure!  Now all you need is a sleepy little baby Smaug.

Currently: November 22

Currently, I am...

Listening to: Christmas music!  Specifically, Christmas music by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, because who wouldn't want to listen to carol of the bells played by electric guitars?

Trying to: Get the baby to fall asleep.  He has a bit of a cold, so he's being harder to settle than normal.

Thinking about: My audition that I am leaving for very soon.  Yes, I'm auditioning to be part of a theatrical production! If I get a role you will probably hear lots more about it.  If I don't, then probably not so much.

Eating: At the moment, nothing, but lately my go-to snack has been a spoon of peanut butter with chocolate chips on it.

What are you currently listening to, trying to do, thinking about, and eating?

Maple Leaf Rose

I had a few minutes the other day to try out a craft I saw on Pinterest, and it went well so I thought I'd share it with you!

Making roses out of maple leaves is surprisingly easy, and in the fall there are lots of beautiful colours to choose from.

You will need several leaves to make one rose. I used four, but if I wanted my rose to be bigger I would need more.

Start with the leaf you want to be the center of your rose, and fold it in half.

Then fold it in half again.

Roll it up to make the center of the rose, with the stem of the leaf pointing down to make the stem of the rose.  Add more leaves by folding them in half and rolling them around the center.

Don't fold the last leaf you add. Instead use the jagged points to make the outside of the rose.

Finish the rose by taping the bottom inch of it so it all stays together.  Then wind tape down the stems to make one bigger stem.  I didn't have floral tape, so I used electrical tape.  Masking tape or duct tape might work too if you don't have anything else.

Making these roses is not an exact art.  I rolled and unrolled the leaves several times before I liked how they looked.  But in the end I had a rose made from beautiful autumn leaves!

Heroes Of The Faith And Me

As a child I loved reading biographies of famous Christian "heroes of the faith".  I was inspired and encouraged in my faith through the stories of people like St. Francis of Assisi, Eric Liddell, Mother Teresa, and Jim Elliot.  One person I particularly enjoyed reading about was George Muller.  He is known for starting orphanages in Bristol, England in the 1800's.  The most distinctive thing about his work is that he never asked for money.  Instead he prayed for whatever needs he had.  And God always provided, sometimes in very miraculous ways.

I always wanted to have that kind of faith in God.

The problem is, trusting God seems a lot easier in theory and in stories than it is in the day to day challenges of life.  It's easy to look back and say, "Of course God was going to provide food for all those orphans!" and think that that faith must have come easy to Muller.

In my own life, faith is a struggle.  I believe that God provides, but when it's my own credit card bill, I'm not quite so sure.  I know we're supposed to "look at the birds of the air" (Matthew 6:25-34), but somehow it's easier to believe that God provides for the birds than that he provides for my next month's rent.

I think part of the reason why this is so hard for us is that most of us in western cultures have so much.  If we're hungry we just go to the store and buy food.  If we need more money we work overtime.  It becomes easy to believe that we are the ones who are providing for ourselves.  We forget that ultimately God is the one who is providing for us, and that he will continue to provide for us, even if we lose the jobs, health, government, etc. that we thought were protecting us.

I'm learning that growing in faith is kind of like a building muscle or forming a new habit.  It's really hard, especially when we aren't used to it.  But as we see God provide and answer our prayers, it gradually becomes easier to trust him.  Does it ever become truly easy though?  I don't know, because I've never gotten there.

But I am learning and growing in my faith.  Every time I see God provide for me, it reminds me to trust him more next time.  It is his goodness and care that brings us through every day and every challenge that we face.

Fall 2016

Now that we have a 2 month old and a 22 month old, I figured it was high time for another family update!

Kenneth has been growing like crazy - he has almost doubled his birth weight already!  He smiles now, which is so heart-warming, and he enjoys cuddles and lying on his back on the kitchen floor and watching the world go by.

Steven likes his little brother, and gives him hugs and kisses and lets mommy know when he is crying.  He has developed a passion for colouring, and goes through phases of having a favourite song that he wants to listen to over and over.  His strong will makes things a little challenging for mommy and daddy, but he is always ready for tickles, dancing, hugs, and going to the park.

I'm still adjusting to life with 2 kids, but thankfully we have two great friends who are living with us that are often available to help, and there are others I can call on sometimes too.  There are still lots of challenges, and I'm daily asking God to meet our needs, but I am experiencing more joy than I have in a long time.  And I'm thankful.

Enjoy some pictures!

Sleeping cutie

Family cuddle time

Smiles!

Our little bookworm

Bilbo and Baby Smaug for Halloween

Hanging out on the floor with the cool kids

What Multi-Tasking Says

I've been thinking about multi-tasking - the act of doing more than one thing at the same time.  It's something that most of us do quite a lot.  Multi-tasking is even something we take pride in doing well.  But is that a good thing?

I multi-task a lot.  I've come to the conclusion that that's how moms survive.  But a couple of moments lately have made me start to wonder if my multi-tasking has gone too far.  One was the other day when I was driving home from getting groceries.  I was thinking through the different things I still needed to get done that day, among which was a certain text I needed to send.  I wished I could send the text right then.  But I am a responsible driver, so I did not text while I was driving.  I waited until later.  But it made me think - why do I feel like I have to always be accomplishing something more?  Wasn't it enough that I was driving?

The other moment was this evening as I was folding diapers and scrolling through Twitter at the same time.  When I actually noticed what I was doing it made me stop and think.  At first I was a little impressed (there's that pride thing - look at me doing so many things at the same time!).  But then I wondered: Why was I scrolling through Twitter while I was folding laundry?  Maybe because I felt like folding diapers was boring and I wanted to be doing something more interesting.  I don't know, I was just doing it.  Thoughtlessly multi-tasking.

When I do multiple things at the same time, I can't give my full attention to any one of them.  Generally that doesn't cause any particular problems.  Most of the tasks in my day don't take a lot of brain power.  But my multi-tasking it is making a statement.

It's saying that it is more important to be done the thing than to be doing the thing.

Let me use food as an example.  I'll often wait to have lunch until Steven is down for his nap.  After getting my lunch ready I usually sit in the living room and eat it while playing a game on my phone or scrolling through social media.  If I'm feeling especially productive I might catch up on emails or work on my writing.  When I multi-task like that I'm saying that eating lunch is something that needs to be done (which is true) but it also says that I'm not interested in giving my attention to the process of eating lunch.  I'm not noticing the flavours and textures or thinking about everything that went into me being able to eat that food for my lunch.  I'm not fully experiencing it and I'm not fully thankful for it.  I just care about it being done, not about doing it.

This is especially a problem when we're interacting with people.  If I ask my husband about his day while also looking up something on my phone, it makes it seem like I'm just asking him because it's something that needs to be done.  He won't feel nearly as valued as he would if I asked him without multi-tasking.

But there are a lot of situations where it doesn't seem like multi-tasking would be a problem.  Laundry, dishes, sweeping, they're all things that need to be done, and they're not exactly interesting.  So why not multi-task?

But I'm challenging myself to multi-task less, and here's why:

Problem 1: We miss out on the doing.

When we multi-task we don't fully experience what we are doing.  I want to get better at living in the moment and appreciating the beauty that can be found in simple, mundane tasks.  I want to be thankful - even for the laundry and the dishes - rather than always rushing through them just because they have to be done.

Problem 2: We don't give our minds time to unwind.

Part of the appeal of multi-tasking is our culture's ever increasing need of being busy and productive.  We think that more is always better.  We're always "on", always in "go mode", and that's not healthy.  Times of quiet and rest are vital to our physical and mental health.  Choosing to do one thing at a time is a way of slowing down the pace instead of stuffing our minds full of more and more stimuli.

Problem 3: We miss out on other ways we could be using that time.

I don't know about you, but when I multi-task, one of those tasks is usually something electronic: Facebook, internet games, Pinterest, YouTube videos.  Sometimes I do try to do something more useful, like writing, but the reality is that it's usually something that I don't actually have to be doing.  It's filler.  Really addictive filler.  So I keep defaulting to it again and again.  But if I stopped defaulting maybe I would start to find better choices.  Maybe there is someone I should be praying for.  Maybe I should call someone or think through a story idea or plan supper.

So the next time I'm folding diapers, instead of mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, maybe I could pay more attention to living in the moment.  I could give my mind a break from constant input so I can think and process my day and how I'm feeling.  I could feel thankful for the ability to have clean, dry laundry, and pray for both of my wonderful boys.  A boring task could be transformed into a life-giving opportunity.

I understand that it's often a necessity to multi-task.  But just because I can doesn't always mean that I should.  I encourage you to join me in choosing to slow down and live fully in every moment that God has given us.

Maybe we shouldn't multi-task so much.

Baby Giggles

Baby giggles
Net my heart
Stall my swirling despair.

Shining eyes
Reach out to me
Pushing back the blackness.

Crooked smiles
In the darkest fog
Bring a ray of light.

Writing

I like writing.  That may seem obvious, given my dogged determination to post consistently on this blog, even if I don't always manage to.  Really, writing is the one thing that I keep making time for that doesn't involve taking care of my family (though I do often write about my family).

As a child I liked writing stories. I still have those stories (complete with hand-drawn pictures), and the little notebook of story ideas that I was always adding to. As a teenager my focus changed to script writing, as I began directing homeschool theatre.  I adapted books into the scripts that I used for the productions I directed.

Once I started going to college I stopped writing for fun.  I had to write so much for my classes that it just wasn't in my top 10 list of things to do when I had free time.  Toward the end of my degree, though, I began this blog.  I wanted a way to express myself and share about my thoughts and experiences without getting annoying on Facebook.  I also thought it would be a good way of staying connected with friends and family who live far away.  Most of my writing on here involves my thoughts on random topics, musings and encouraging words, poetry, updates on my family, and sometimes a recipe or diy project.  But no fiction.

I've missed writing stories.  I keep trying to; in fact I currently have 3 stories that are partly written.  But I've found it hard to actually finish them, or even make significant headway.  My years of college and blogging have grown my confidence in my non-fiction writing, but because I haven't written much fiction I often doubt myself and my ability to write something worthwhile.  But now I have an opportunity that I'm really excited about!

It is a project called "Captives".  It's being run by someone I met through school. He has created a fictional world and has invited people to create a character to be a part of that world.  The participants will be writing about their character in a chapter by chapter, serial format, while the editor gives them promps and starts to weave all the smaller stories into one bigger story.

I'm very excited about this opportunity, because it gives me a reason to write fiction again, but in a very controlled way.  It's just one chapter at a time, so I can't be tempted to over think things and jump around like I often do when I try to write fiction.  It will also give me deadlines which will force me to keep writing, even if I think I'm too busy or feel stuck.

"Captives" is being hosted on Tumblr, which is where all of the chapters will be posted as they are written.  I wasn't on Tumblr before, but joined so that I could be a part of this project.  If you are interested in following along, here is a link: Captives

Also you are welcome to check out my new Tumblr page if you're on Tumblr.  It's not much at this point, because I'm still trying to figure it out.  My page is called Mama Bard.

As a side note, trying to figure out Tumblr has made me feel much more empathetic toward those who struggle to understand social media, especially those from older generations.  I've been using Facebook (and Twitter to a certain extent) for so long that it just feels natural.  But trying to understand Tumblr has been a bit of a challenge! I think I'm starting to get the hang of it, though.

Anyways, I'm super excited for "Captives", and I hope you'll follow along as the story starts to unfold.