Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I've been thinking a lot about thanksgiving lately. Mainly because giving thanks is pretty hard right now.

Since I wrote last month about my health, not much has changed. Well, I think I have improved a little, but I have also learned the hard way that doing too much can have disastrous consequences, costing me days or even weeks of progress.

Because I have to be so careful, this has been a season of loss for me. I had to step down from leading worship at church. I had to cancel the play that I was planning to direct this fall. Some weeks, I haven't even been able to go to church. I've had to rely on others to go grocery shopping, hang out the laundry, and do other household chores that I wouldn't have had any problem doing before.

As I have been forced to do as little as possible, I am realizing just how much I do every day, and how quickly I want to jump up and take care of things whenever I see something that needs to be done. Now, I have to stop and evaluate: does this really need to happen right now? Do I actually need to do it, or could someone else do it? It is surprising to me how hard it is to let go.

Having very limited energy has also made me more aware of habits and patterns in my life that happen so automatically that I don't even think about them. For example, I've always known that I sense and absorb the emotions of those around me, but I hadn't realized how much emotional energy I put into trying to improve the emotional environment I am in. If someone is having a bad day, if someone is feeling lonely or ignored, if someone is feeling hurt in any way, I impulsively try to compensate for that, pouring out emotional energy in an attempt to make everything better and infuse joy and life into the world around me.

Now I can't do that. I can't do all of the giving and serving and doing and accomplishing that makes me feel valuable and seen. Without it, I feel kind of lost.

I am trying to be thankful for everything I am learning through this time. I'm trying to be okay with recognizing my limitations and letting go. I'm trying to be okay with letting my world shrink and slow down.

Even though it's hard, I know that I really do have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for Jesse and all the rest of the household, as they've had to pick up the slack and take care of all the things that I can't do now. I am so thankful that the weather has been nice, and that I can lie down outside and enjoy the sunshine, even though I can't go hiking or to the park. I am so thankful for all of the people who have asked about how I'm doing, who have come and watched the kids so I can rest, who have brought meals, or washed the dishes, or helped clean up the mess when Kenneth crashed a pile of plates onto the kitchen floor.

If you are one of those people, thank you so much.

I'm heading back to the doctor tomorrow to see if my latest bunch of tests have anything to say about what is wrong with me. It would be nice to have some answers, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. For now, I'm trying to breathe deep, be careful, and remember that this is just a season, and a season in which I am not alone.

Mommy Moments: The Song That Never Ends

My two year old has been learning the alphabet. Unfortunately, he is currently under the impression that Y is followed by R. He has been singing in a loop for about ten minutes now...

The Girl From Moab: Let There Be Hope

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to perform a new song from my musical!

The event was the book launch for April Yamasaki's new book, Four Gifts. It was really fun to be able to share a small taste of what I've been working on!

If you are interested in keeping up with my updates on The Girl From Moab, you can follow my YouTube channel or my Facebook page, and I will still post updates here on my blog sometimes too!

Children of the Wind and Sky

Children of the wind and sky,
Dancing across the fields,
Hair blowing in the breeze,
Swept back from shining eyes
And dazzling smiles.

Children of the water and waves,
Laughter bubbling, brimming over,
Flinging recklessly into my arms,
Giggling, wriggling, fleeing,
Returning with arms open wide.

Children of the sea and sky,
Wild, chaotic beauty
Uncontainable within my arms;
Infectious delight of life itself
Frees my heart to soar with theirs.

A Tiring Reality

Sometimes life gets harder.

About a month ago, I suddenly got quite sick—headache, chills, fever, shakiness, etc. Most of the symptoms passed after a couple days, except for the tiredness. And I was very tired—at first I could hardly be up for an hour before I had to lie down again. I've been slowly improving, but even now I have to lie down a couple times each day, and I don't really have the energy to take the kids to the park or go shopping.

As you can imagine, this has made life a lot more challenging. Running around after two very active, independent little ones is not exactly compatible with resting and recovering. Even the ordinary tasks of caring for a household can tire me out and leave me without the energy to play music or write or do other things that I enjoy.

It's hard, and frustrating, and discouraging.

The doctor thinks it was just the flu, aggravated by the heat, dehydration, and all the smoke that was in the air at the time. I'm taking some supplements, and trying to eat more and drink more water. I am improving. But it is so easy to do too much and have another setback.

And part of my frustration is that "there is nothing wrong with me" and "I don't look sick". From an outside perspective, nothing seems any different. But the kids are fussier, because they don't understand why mommy can't run around and play like she usually can. It's been way too long since I've been able to take the kids to the park, and we are all going a little crazy because of it. Every time I try to do something that takes extra energy—going to church, getting groceries, even having a games night with some friends—I feel significantly worse afterward. I've been out of the house so little that I'm starting to get cabin fever!

And I'm really lonely.

Hopefully this will be the last you hear of this, and I'll be feeling better soon, but I wanted to give you a little picture of what life has been like for me lately. I'm so thankful that Jesse and the rest of the household have been so willing to help out more around the house so I can lie down when I need to!

Despite the rough past month, it has been a pretty good summer. Here are a few pictures of what we have been up to:

Garden love

Keeping cool

Picnic time!

Family hiking

Fire Creek

All rocks must be climbed!

Coastline near Bella Coola

Humble beauty

My munchkins

'Tis the last rose of summer...

Four Gifts: A Review of April Yamasaki's Book on Self-Care

Something that saddens me is how little I read these days. Being a mom of two toddlers means that "free time" is a fairly foreign concept, and when I do have a few minutes to myself, those tend to be filled up with other things. At the moment I am getting ready to write and direct a play for my church, as well as continuing to work on my musical, blog, and other writing projects. I am still leading worship at least once a month at church, and I am running a Middle Earth RPG for a few friends once a week. I am trying to stay on top of the endless mountain of pears that the tree in our backyard is producing, and I am in the middle of canning season. And on top of all of this, I have been struggling with some sort of health problem that has been making me feel very tired—I can only work for a few hours at a time before I have to lie down! You might say that I could use a book on self-care right about now!

I have pretty much given up on reading novels during this stage of my life. When I'm reading a story, I tend to get really lost in it, and then I get grumpy when I'm interrupted or have to put it down... and with my life, that tends to happen every few minutes! But non-fiction books don't have the same effect on me, and when I read reflective, thoughtful books, sometimes I even find the interruptions help me to take a break and think about what I've read—so when I had a chance to read April Yamasaki's new book on self-care, I was pretty excited!

I've had the privilege of being a part of the launch team for April's book, Four Gifts, which has included being able to read an advance copy of the book, and I highly recommend it! April's writing is relatable and insightful. As I was reading it, I found myself continually caught between wanting to stop and reflect on what I had just read, and wanting to keep reading to find out what April had to say next! I am looking forward to having a solid copy of the book in my hands so I can sit down and read it again.


Four Gifts: Seeking Self-Care for Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength by April Yamasaki


Since the book is called "Four Gifts", I thought that I would share four thoughts on it!

1. It is firmly grounded in a biblical perspective.

I have read several books on self-care over the past years, and this is really what makes April's book stand out for me! Not only are many of the principles and examples drawn directly from scripture, but April makes it clear that ultimately it is God who cares for us. As one of my favourite quotes from the book says:

"When all my self-care strategies fail, when I fail myself and others, when those closest to me have done their best yet still leave me wanting for more, God remains forever faithful."


2. April is not afraid to ask difficult questions.

For example, Jesus clearly taught his disciples that they needed to lay down their lives, deny themselves, and take up their cross (Mark 8:34-35). In Four Gifts, April comments:

"To live this abundant, self-giving life of following Jesus, self-care must also make room somehow for self-surrender. Can it be that we are called to both self-care and self-denial? Is that a healthy tension, a living paradox—or is it simply impossible?"

What I really appreciate is that April does not try to offer us a tidy solution or have all the answers. Instead, she invites us into the questions and the paradoxes, and helps us explore them for ourselves.

3. Four Gifts is very realistic about self-care.

While it's easy to think about self-care as curling up with a cup of tea or treating yourself to a massage, a lot of the time self-care is not fun and does not feel good. Self-care can mean being disciplined, even when we don't want to be. Self-care can mean learning when to say no and to set healthy boundaries, even if it is hard. Self-care can be learning to lament as we face areas of hurt and brokenness in our lives.


4. It is incredibly practical.

Four Gifts is interspersed with really great questions for thought and discussion, and each chapter concludes with simple and practical ideas for implementing the principles addressed in that chapter. This is one of the reasons that I want to read the book again—I really want to take the time to reflect thoughtfully on the questions, and to find ways of implementing some of the practical self-care suggestions! For example, have you ever heard of making an "I-don't-do" list? Basically, it's a list of things that help you maintain healthy boundaries in your life—anything from not drinking coffee after a certain time in the day, to not checking Facebook first thing in the morning, to not trying to please everybody. I think that making an "I-don't-do" list sounds like a very helpful exercise!


To conclude my review, here is a short question and answer with April Yamasaki:

Why do we need self-care?
Because too many of us are over-tired, over-extended, and overwhelmed by our lives—the constant barrage of information, the multiple demands of personal, family, work, community, and world needs, the relentless advance of technology. Self-care allows us to rest instead of constantly running the treadmill of our lives. At its best, it can help restore a sense of wholeness in a world that seems increasingly fragmented and polarized.

What do you mean by self-care “at its best”?
Well, at its worst, I think self-care can become selfish and self-indulgent as some critics point out. That can happen when I focus on my own needs to the exclusion of others. But at its best, self-care means that I care for myself without ignoring or isolating myself from the needs of others. Genuine self-care includes a mutual caring in community. It includes a sense of my own limits where instead of the self-sufficiency of self-care, I can depend on the all-sufficiency of God’s care.

What do you hope for your readers? 

I hope readers will come away with a bigger vision for self-care that also embraces caring for others and surrendering to God’s care and call in their lives. I hope they’ll think deeply about their core commitments and priorities for themselves, and discuss these with their family, friends, and others. I hope that my words would come to life in their own thinking and experience, that readers would expand upon the book for their own personal situation and context.

Four Gifts: Seeking Self-Care for Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength will be available starting September 4, 2018. You can find out more about Four Gifts and April Yamasaki's writing on her website: aprilyamasaki.com

Steven and Eustace and the Big Bad Wolf

Over the past few months, it has become a part of Steven's bedtime routine that we cuddle and I tell him a story about Steven and his friend, "Eustace the Dragon". (What can I say—that was the first name that came to mind when I had to name the dragon!) Steven and Eustace have been on many adventures now—they have sailed across oceans and climbed mountains and explored dark tunnels. Whenever I'm stuck, I enjoy drawing on familiar stories and fairy tales, interspersing details randomly, or even following a pre-existing plot for a while.

As Steven has gotten older, he has become an active participant in telling the story. His suggestions and comments never cease to surprise me, and often send the story in a completely new direction. This is especially true when I am simply adding Steven and Eustace into a pre-existing story. The result is often humorous and beautiful, so I thought I would share!
_______  

Steven and Eustace and the Big Bad Wolf.

One day, Steven and his friend Eustace the dragon were walking along the road when they met three pigs.

"Good morning!" said Steven, "How are you doing today?"

"Oink oink oink, not bad, not bad," said the pigs. "We are on our way to build ourselves some houses. We are each going to build a nice, cosy house."

"Oh, nice!" said Steven, "That sounds like fun!" And he waved goodbye to the pigs as they continued on their way.

A bit further down the road, Steven and Eustace met a wolf—a big bad wolf.

"Hello, Mr. Wolf," said Steven, "how are you doing today?"

"I am doing very well," the wolf snarled with a nasty grin. "I am going to eat those three little pigs. Pigs are very very yummy, and I am a hungry wolf—I am going to eat them all up!"

"Oh dear," said Eustace as soon as the wolf was out of earshot, "what are we going to do? We need to warn the three little pigs!"

"He should buy food," said Steven.

"What?"

"He should buy food at the grocery store, not eat the pigs."

"Oh. What kind of food should he buy?"

"Ice cream! I can have green ice cream, and you can have purple ice cream, and the puppy can have brown ice cream!"

Steven and Eustace hurried after the big bad wolf.

"Excuse me," said Steven as soon as they caught up with the wolf, "would you like to go get ice cream with us?"

The wolf seemed taken aback. "Okay. Um, thank you. I love ice cream!"

On their way to the ice cream store, Steven and Eustace and the wolf passed through the field where the three pigs were building their houses.

"Hello!" called Steven, "Would you like to come get ice cream with us?"

"Oh, yes please!" said the pigs. "We are all tired from building our houses, and we are ready to take a break!"

So the pigs joined Steven and Eustace and the wolf, and together they all walked to get ice cream. But even though they walked and walked, they could not find an ice cream store!

"Oh dear, what are we going to do?" lamented one of the pigs.

"We can use Telemain's special machine!" replied Steven. He pulled the machine out of his pocket and quickly typed in "ice cream shop".

Whrrrrrrrr bzzzzzzzzzp! The machine's arrow pointed the way, and soon they found an ice cream store!

As his companions chatted about their favourite flavours, Steven went looking for the ice cream store man. Soon a friendly looking man in a big red and white apron appeared.

"Hello!" said the man, "what kind of ice cream can I get for you?"

"Green please," said Steven, and the man scooped out some green ice cream and gave it to Steven.

"Purple please," said Eustace, and the man scooped out some purple ice cream and gave it to Eustace.

"Pink please," said the wolf, and the man scooped out some pink ice cream and gave it to the wolf.

"Orange please," said a pig, and the man scooped out some orange ice cream and gave it to the pig.

"Green please," said another pig, and the man scooped out some green ice cream and gave it to the pig.

"Brown please," said the final pig, and the man scooped out some brown ice cream and gave it to the pig.

"Let's go find a table!" said Steven.

They all went outside and found a great big table under a big umbrella.

They all took a big bite and ate their ice cream all up!

"Now what do we do?" asked Eustace.

"We still need to finish building our houses," said the pigs.

"We'll help you!" said Steven, so they all went back to help the pigs.

When they got to the field where the pigs were building their houses, they saw that the first pig was building his house out of straw.

"That's not good!" said Steven.

They walked a little farther and saw that the second pig was building his house out of sticks.

"That's not good!" said Steven. Then he went and got some wood and nails and a hammer and helped the pigs build their houses. Bam! Bam! Bam!

When the houses were finished, the pigs said, "Thank you so much for helping us!"

"You're welcome!" said Steven.

Waving goodbye, Steven and Eustace headed off down the road, and the wolf went back to the farmer's house.

The end.