Hope

There are a few of my mugs that have a special meaning for me. For example, the one that says "faith" comes from a time when I learned something important about faith. (Interestingly, I received the mug first, rather than getting it afterward as a reminder.) I always think about that lesson whenever I use that mug.

I used to have a mug that said "joy" which was a reminder to live with joy. Sadly, that mug got broken (it wasn't metaphorical at all!) and when my friend offered to buy me a replacement I couldn't find one that said joy, so instead I chose one that said "hope".

There was a period of time when I used that mug as a declaration that no matter how I was feeling, I could still have hope.

There was also a period of time when I didn't want to use that mug.

Sometimes it's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them, but looking back now I can see that I went through a period of time when I really wasn't doing well. Maybe it was postpartum depression. I'm still not sure. But it was rough. Even if I wasn't able to see just how bad it was, I did know that I wasn't doing well. There were even a few times when I did little online questionnaires regarding my mental health, which usually placed me right on the line between "you're probably doing okay but you should take better care of yourself" and "you should go talk to your doctor because you could probably use help". I never did. Maybe it was a bit of pride, an insistence that I was managing, that it wasn't that bad, that I figured I knew what they would say - get more sleep, find more support, etc.

Looking back now, would I have done anything differently? I don't know, actually. But there is one thing I wish I could have told myself: this isn't going to last forever. I don't even know when it started changing, but one day I noticed that things were different. I was having more good days than bad days. I actually loved being with my kids and taking care of them. I had a song in my heart again.

Now I drink from my hope mug, and it's like a declaration of victory. All throughout that hard season, there was still hope. For every person I know, every person I meet, there is still hope. Seeing the contrast between where I was and where I am now, it's hard to express my thankfulness. Sometimes I almost feel giddy from how much I love my life. It's crazy and unbelievable and wonderful.

There will still be hard days and seasons. That's inevitable. But there will also still be hope.