Angel

Angel with the broken wing,
Was the radiance of heaven itself
Merely the flickering of a fluorescent bulb,
A tarnished halo dimly reflected
In some long forgotten dream?

I loved a mirage.

A room of mirrors - is this the truth
Or another twisted image
Unknowable
Somehow beyond my reach
And fading further away.

Lost in the dark
With faded photographs
And crumbling memories

I want my angel back.

Too Much!

There is so much that I want to do! And I don’t mean bucket list kinds of things that I want to do someday, but normal sorts of things that I want to do or work on today.

I want to work on my writing. I want to keep writing the story I have in progress, because I care about the characters so much, and I want to know what happens next! I want to write poetry and journal and process life and all that I am learning. And there are so many other writing projects that I have ideas for—from scripts to stories and more—that I haven’t started yet because I can only have so many projects going at a time! And don’t forget making more content for this blog, my website, and my Patreon, for all of you lovely folks who support my work!

There is also so much I want to learn. With my husband and one of my sisters-in-law I have been attempting to learn American Sign Language, which has been a goal of mine for a long time. I have also been attempting to re-learn the Biblical Hebrew that I learned in college and had all but forgotten. I’d love to be proficient enough to be able to read the text of the Old Testament for myself!

I’ve always loved arts and crafts, and there are several projects cooking in the back of my mind that I’d love to get to. There are some drawing projects (Lord of the Rings/Paw Patrol crossover, anyone?), painting projects (I’d love to make a painting to express my feelings about cancer and death), and even an idea for a comic strip series! I’m trying not to collect any crocheting projects at the moment (though there is that one pattern I’d love to try...), but to my dismay I keep collecting sewing projects, especially to make historically inspired clothing. And besides, I have a whole bag of lovely fabric from my grandma-in-law that is just begging to be made into things!

But all of that doesn’t involve me even leaving the house! Even though I’m not in a situation at the moment that lends itself to hiking, I still love getting outside, and I am trying to go on more walks to enjoy nature and get my body my moving. I have access to a river and a canoe here, and canoeing is something I’d really love to get better at—not to mention that my hubby is a trained paddle instructor, so I really should be taking advantage of that! And one of my sisters-in-law has said I can shoot with her bow any time I want, and I’d love to get better at that too, because who doesn’t want to feel like a badass *insert legendary archer of your choice*? And then there’s HORSES! Just down the street! And I’m allowed to ride them! But I’ve been here three months already and I haven’t even gone yet! How is this possible?

And then, you know, just in general wanting to be more fit and healthy. I’ve managed to start up a fitness routine, which has felt really good. I actually have some semblance of a core for the first time since having kids! But my workouts and stretches aren’t really touching my cardio and endurance, which I’m sure are plummeting, now that I’m not walking or biking whenever I want to go somewhere. Sigh.

And of course I don’t want to neglect my spiritual walk. I started this year with the idea to read through the Bible in a year and the Psalms and Proverbs every month. It may have been a bit ambitious, but I am determined to see it through! And I have really been enjoying spending so much time in God’s Word every day. Then there are other spiritual disciplines too, and I have particularly been wanting to grow in prayer.

And these are just personal goals and projects. There are friendships to maintain, family to enjoy and care for, and a whole world outside of my bubble to care about and try to make a difference in. And don’t forget that daily life still needs to happen! Floors to sweep, meals to make, messes to clean—the list often seems endless!

So what is a woman like I to do, who is constrained to a mere 24 hours in a day? (Especially when sleep is definitely a thing!) How do I choose how to spend these precious moments that God has given me? There is so much in this world that God has given us to enjoy, and I am sure that there is yet more that has slipped my mind as I’ve gone on this excessively long ramble. (Like music! How on earth did I forget about music?!)

But I am thankful. Thankful for this beautiful and exciting world that God has made, and thankful for every day I have to enjoy.

Be Still, Little One

Be still, little one.

Let the busyness wash past you

Like the breeze that caresses your skin.

The world may be rushing onward;

Little one, be still.

Look down - did you notice

The weed poking up through the ground,

Its delicate leaves unfurled

Toward the early morning light.

Did you forget

To hold a dewdrop on your finger

And see the world a little better

In its crystalline reflection,

To feel each breath rush inside you

And disperse with a prayer.

Look up - did you notice

How each leaf dances,

The sunlight refracting

Through a thousand glittering emeralds.

Did you forget

To hear the humming bees

And know yourself a little better,

To close your eyes and listen

To the heartbeat all around you

And the silence.

Be still, little one.

Let the busyness wash past you

Like the gentle water flowing.

The world may be rushing onward;

Little one, be still.

Website!

I am so excited to share with you my new website for all things related to my writing, especially fiction, poetry, and playwriting. I've been looking forward to having a website for a long time, and it's so exciting that it is finally finished! Check it out!

leanewinger.com

Don't worry, that doesn't mean that this blog is finished! I consider this to be my "personal blog", so I will continue to share things with you here, like life updates, pictures, funny moments, poetry, and generally all the same kinds of things that I've been posting. My new website will be more directly focused on my writing.

Thanks so much for your continued support and encouragement!

On Grief

i.
and suddenly, gone.

ii.
disorientation, dissolving
into a vague impression
of exhaustion.

iii.
what is this world
where mothers die.

Sometimes the Silence

Sometimes the silence is deafening.

Oppressive weight crushing my chest

Of words that can’t be said

And tears that can’t be cried

The ache of all that should not be

The thieving tide, unpredictable,

Turning, seeping away

Beyond my reach. 

Sometimes the silence is deafening. 

Sometimes the silence is holy. 

Seeping into every corner of my being,

Sacred and undefinable,

Gently bidding me to linger still

Where presence is a gift,

And all that is required.

Sometimes the ache is right and good

And eternity bends close. 

Sometimes the silence is holy. 

Patreon!

Hello dear friends and family! I want to extend a huge thanks to all of you who keep coming back to my blog, and for your support and encouragement. I know I haven't been posting much over the past year or two. Sometimes life gets a bit overwhelming, or other things take priority. But I really do love writing! I enjoy writing the poetry and snippets of life that I share on this blog. I also enjoy writing fiction and stageplays and music. Because I enjoy writing (and directing and visual art) I have been trying to find a way to dedicate more time to it.

This is why I have decided to join Patreon! For those who are not familiar with Patreon, it is a website where people can financially support artists in exchange for special rewards. On my Patreon page I will be sharing updates about what projects I'm working on, as well as special content like poems, short stories, and digital copies of some of my artwork.

I'd like to take this opportunity to invite you to support me on Patreon! You can find my page here: https://www.patreon.com/leanewinger

Why support me on Patron?

- If you like my writing and wish I could post content more often, this would be a great way to help that happen! As my support increases, I will be able to dedicate more time to writing. I will still be posting here on my blog as I always have, but I will be posting additional content to my Patreon group, so you might want to check it out!

- If you want to be part of a special community that hears about the behind-the-scenes of my writing, like what kinds of projects I am dreaming up next, or to be able to join special Q and A times, or even vote on what I should name a new character!

- If you want to partner with me in my writing and artistic endeavours. If you like what I'm doing and want to support me and cheer me on, I'd love for you to join my team! One day I would love to be able to work part time as a writer, and it is your support that will start to make that dream come true!

Whether you would consider supporting me or not, check out my Patreon page! I'd love to hear what you think of it!

https://www.patreon.com/leanewinger