Complaining Again?

I've realized that I complain a lot.

Well, more accurately, I had it pointed out to me.

The first time it was pointed out was sometime in the past by my wonderful husband—or possibly fiancé or boyfriend at the time, I honestly don't remember when it was. All I remember is that I was quite shocked. What did he mean, I complain a lot? That wasn't true... was it? But as I started to watch for it, I realized that he was right. I did complain a lot. So I tried to change. I thought I did a pretty good job.

And then, recently, I was again told that I complain a lot. Again, it caught me off guard, but I had to admit that it was true. I really don't want to be a negative, complaining kind of person, so I figured I should take a step back and try to figure out what is going on.

I thought I'd share what I found.

I can trace a lot of my complaining back to a very simple scenario: someone asks me, "How was your day?"

I'm a stay at home mom of a 15-month-old and an almost-3-year-old. Want to know how my day was? I had to stop the children from standing on the kitchen table at least 15 times today, and Kenneth dumped an entire pitcher of water on the floor, and Steven had a conniption fit because I wouldn't let him unroll the toilet paper all over the bathroom, and they both refused to nap, and at least three toys were broken, and I'm really tired, and the house is a disaster, and I still haven't started making dinner yet. Thanks for asking, how was your day?

And here is where I run into difficulty: what is "being honest", and what is "complaining"? Because if you ask me how I'm doing, I'd rather not just say "good". Especially if I'm not doing "good". So then what do I say?

I don't think it's wrong to talk about our struggles or the challenges that we are facing, but I had to ask myself why it is that I am drawn to talk about all of the negative things first. Because the reality is, there are also good things that happen in my day. Maybe Kenneth learned a new word, or Steven cleaned up a mess without being asked, or I got a text from a friend I haven't seen in a while. Why do I pass those things over in favour of talking about the stressful, challenging parts of my day?

I think one reason is that the challenging things are louder. They demand my attention. Steven might sit and read books nicely for half an hour, but a five minute tantrum will remain in my memory for much longer. Because there are so many challenging things in my day, I need to fight to notice and remember the positive things, and celebrate them.

I also think I'm drawn to talk about the stressful things because I want affirmation. I want people to know how rough my day was, because then they will realize how amazing I am for making it through relatively unscathed. They may even encourage me, and tell me that I'm a good mom and that I'm doing such a great job. If I paint a rosy picture of my day, I won't get that affirmation. At least, that's what it feels like.

It's not wrong to want affirmation and encouragement, but I don't think I should be using negativity as a desperate bid to get affirmation out of people. There has got to be healthier ways! Seeing my tendency to do this makes me realize that I need to build other ways of receiving encouragement into my life, because then I might not feel as driven to complain to get attention. I am also challenged, because I know that the first one I should be seeking affirmation from is God. It is his approval that is the most important. I may know that, but so often my actions show that I have different priorities.

So when someone asks me how I am doing or how my day was, I am trying to stop and give careful thought to my answer. I want to be honest, but be honest about the good as well as the bad. Maybe it was a really hard day, but I can also talk about the blessings that were in it. I want to consider why I choose to respond to people the way that I do. Is it just to get attention and affirmation? Or is it to build up the people around me, and encourage them too?