Nervous

I've been thinking about how I feel nervous around certain people.

It's a certain kind of nervous: A desire to be liked and accepted, while feeling like I will inevitably be rejected. I used to feel like that a lot, especially around popular people. Why would a popular, outgoing person want to be friends with me, when everyone loves them? I used to feel really nervous around people I perceived to be fun and popular. Not so much anymore.

Now there is a very certain sort of person that makes me feel nervous. They are people who are very artistic, skilled with their words, with a compelling stage presence. Their poetry, spoken word pieces, and performances are deep and profound, and they express and evoke emotion in a way that impacts their readers and hearers. I respect and admire them so much. And they make me incredibly nervous.

One reason why is because I really want them to like me. I really really really want them to like me. But it's strange that this stands out, because as a general rule I want everyone to like me, but I don't feel nervous like that around everyone. Normally I can trust that I am generally liked. But for some reason whenever I am around one of these people I feel like I am an awkward fourteen year old again, tripping over myself, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, second guessing and doubting everything that I do. It's bizarre, because for the most part I grew out of that sort of thing a long time ago.

I think maybe it is because in them I see something that I want to be. I don't just want to be liked by them, I want to be respected by them. I want to be accepted as their peer and belong among them. But instead I feel like a fraud, like I don't belong.

I had the privilege of spending enough time around one such person that I actually came to be able to trust that they like me and truly consider me to be a friend. So it is possible. But most of the time I watch them from a distance, hidden in my insecurity, wishing that I could be their friend.

Am I being silly? Maybe. But I decided to write about this because I think I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes. We all have a deep desire for belonging and acceptance, and we all struggle with doubt and fear. Those people who I look up to and want to be like, they may make me feel nervous, but they are human too. We all are.