While It Was Still Dark

She knew what hopelessness was like
But this time somehow it was worse
For she knew love and hope and peace
Then watched as senseless violence burned
Her hope and future into ash
The one she loved, teacher and friend
Tortured and murdered ruthlessly
The eyes that saw her see no more
The hands that touched and healed the sick
Now bloodied, mutilated, dead
Despair and fear now fill her heart
As friends disperse, flee for their lives
And yet she cannot stay away
Her heart still yearns for what is lost
She slips away, out of the city
While it was still dark.

With heavy heart she seeks the tomb
No hopes or plans in mind except
To be close to the one she loved
To care for him one final time
She weeps and walks her lonely road
Believing that this is the end
But soon she'll find the tomb unbarred
Her fear and sorrow overwhelmed
Engulfed by wonder beyond hope
Before her eyes he stands alive—
But she is still upon the road
In grief and darkness and despair
Continues faithful step by step
To where her heart at last will know
The miracle already happened
While it was still dark.

Star

There is only one star tonight.
Clouds cover the sky
Heavy and dark
Affording only the smallest glimpses
Into the starlit sky beyond
And then
The pollution of a hundred thousand
Man-made lights
Floods the darkness with an unnatural glow
A haze of obscurity
Bringing neither clarity nor comfort
Drowning out
Any companion that may be found.
Wait
There is a second star
Peering through the haze
And there, another
Or perhaps the clouds
Shifted
Just a little.
There are three stars tonight.

Isaiah 9:2

The people walking in darkness
walking in depression
walking in anxiety
walking in grief
walking in fear
lost and alone

Have seen a great light
a great hope
a great peace
a great joy
a great love
a Saviour

On those living in the land of deep darkness
the land ravaged by famine
the land torn by war
the land shattered by injustice
the land numbed by affluence
a broken and hurting world

A light has dawned
a hope has dawned
a peace has dawned
a joy has dawned
a love has dawned
God is with us

I Wish

I wish
I could read your mind
And know exactly what you need to hear

I wish
I could crawl into your heart
And know exactly what you are feeling

I wish
We could be friends
And sit and talk
Or just be silent
Together

I wish
I could show you
There is hope even when
The whispers are saying there isn't
That my presence could be
Like a warm embrace
Against the frost of
Isolation and despair
Because I believe
There is still
Hope

I wish
I could know if it would be
Okay for me to walk over
To you and say
Hi
But then
I wouldn't know
What to say next

I wish
I had words to say
But I hesitate
And you walk by

I wish
You could know
That I see you

Meditation on John 11:4

The road of life winds uncertain
Round and about the days and years
Each turn leading ever on
Through joys and sorrows unforeseen
Yet wherever the road may lead,
The destination isn't death.

For through the mysteries of time
A quiet word draws back in part
The mist obscuring what's to come
Exposing the lie so thoughtlessly held
About the end to which all paths lead
For they do not lead to death.

And so we need not fear
Though on this journey we may face
Illness grave in body or in mind,
Chance or fate or persecution's fiery embrace
For even if we should die
Still death is not the end.


"But when Jesus heard it he said, 'This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.'" - John 11:4

Hope

There are a few of my mugs that have a special meaning for me. For example, the one that says "faith" comes from a time when I learned something important about faith. (Interestingly, I received the mug first, rather than getting it afterward as a reminder.) I always think about that lesson whenever I use that mug.

I used to have a mug that said "joy" which was a reminder to live with joy. Sadly, that mug got broken (it wasn't metaphorical at all!) and when my friend offered to buy me a replacement I couldn't find one that said joy, so instead I chose one that said "hope".

There was a period of time when I used that mug as a declaration that no matter how I was feeling, I could still have hope.

There was also a period of time when I didn't want to use that mug.

Sometimes it's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them, but looking back now I can see that I went through a period of time when I really wasn't doing well. Maybe it was postpartum depression. I'm still not sure. But it was rough. Even if I wasn't able to see just how bad it was, I did know that I wasn't doing well. There were even a few times when I did little online questionnaires regarding my mental health, which usually placed me right on the line between "you're probably doing okay but you should take better care of yourself" and "you should go talk to your doctor because you could probably use help". I never did. Maybe it was a bit of pride, an insistence that I was managing, that it wasn't that bad, that I figured I knew what they would say - get more sleep, find more support, etc.

Looking back now, would I have done anything differently? I don't know, actually. But there is one thing I wish I could have told myself: this isn't going to last forever. I don't even know when it started changing, but one day I noticed that things were different. I was having more good days than bad days. I actually loved being with my kids and taking care of them. I had a song in my heart again.

Now I drink from my hope mug, and it's like a declaration of victory. All throughout that hard season, there was still hope. For every person I know, every person I meet, there is still hope. Seeing the contrast between where I was and where I am now, it's hard to express my thankfulness. Sometimes I almost feel giddy from how much I love my life. It's crazy and unbelievable and wonderful.

There will still be hard days and seasons. That's inevitable. But there will also still be hope.

When I Play

A poem for someone I know who is going through a very hard time that I hold in my heart as I lead worship at church.

When I play
Fingers dancing 
Over black and white keys
Through each note
Pouring my heart out
To our Saviour
I think about you

The long road you have traveled
Waiting for hope
That tomorrow might be better
Carrying the weight
Of fear
Of pain
Of a past you cannot forget
How you long to hide
Away from the world
Away from everything
And everyone you love
And who loves you

In a back corner of my heart
I remember your pain
I feel it
I pour it through my fingers
Into each note
Reaching out to you
That someone knows
Someone is here
You are not alone

And with each note
My heart cries out
A prayer without words
That somehow
You would hear it
A whisper of hope
That you will come 
Alive
Again

What the News Misses

Have you ever thought about how the news is kind of depressing?

I have. In fact I generally try to avoid the news for just that reason. I have enough challenges in my life without being given a dozen more reasons to feel anxious and depressed. But as much as I wish I could stick my head in the sand and ignore it all, the news keeps showing up anyways - in my Facebook feed, in the newspaper headlines, in conversions with friends.

Politics comes up a lot, especially with all of the happenings south of the boarder (and some of our own stuff too). I don't have a problem with politics per se, but it seems like it's just become a subject for everyone to get worked up about without actually contributing any practical involvement or solutions.

There has been a lot of death too. I don't know how many beloved celebrities died last year, but I know there were quite a few. I'm pretty clueless about celebrities in general (unless they're connected to Lord of the Rings or some other subject I particularly enjoy), but their deaths were all over the news and impacted many people. Just a couple of weeks ago I was saddened to hear that Stuart McLean passed away. We used to listen to the Vinyl Cafe in the car on the way to soccer every week. His stories were a piece of my childhood.

Since then I have been thinking a lot about how "the news" is so depressing. And it's not just large-scale news either. Even the local paper is full of shootings, unexpected deaths, the drug crisis, and other problems. Sometimes I feel like I should try to stay informed on what is going on in the world, but after just a few minutes I start feeling so gross. No wonder I try to avoid the news.

I've often wondered - where are the good things? There is more happening in the world than just disease, disaster, and death. Where is the hope?

But I do partly understand. Those things make for a good story. They are "big deals", things that affect lots of people, and I suppose they are important to know about. But the good things in life are often quieter and unassuming. The volunteer worker who makes a difference in people's lives. The neighbour who mows your lawn. Going out for coffee with a friend. Not exactly headline material. And that's okay. But the problem is that the bad stuff can overwhelm the good stuff.

We can only hold so much in our heads, so we tend to just think about what comes to mind the easiest. Because the bad stuff is so "loud", because it fills the headlines, because it's emotionally charged, that is what we remember. Everything that is wrong about the world blocks out everything that is right about the world.

And even more significantly, the news misses out the most important thing of all. It misses that God is with us. He is with us in this messy, broken, falling apart world. He is here, bringing hope, comfort, restoration, and a peace that passes understanding. But somehow we always forget. Perhaps that's because, while God can and sometimes does work in wonders, more often he works in the small, simple things, the things that are easy to miss if you're not watching for him.

And so we feel discouraged, we feel afraid, we want to give up hope, because the world just seems so dark and broken. But God is with us! The hard stuff is still hard, the sad stuff is still sad, but the good stuff is still good! When the news threatens to drag us down, let's remember the things that the news misses, and be a people of hope.