Inside My Mind

Inside my mind it's raining.
Storm winds mocking sight
That says the sun is shining.
Chaos reaches out
To stain the flowers,
Blot the colours from the sky.
An all-consuming blight,
Constrained by Handel's symmetry
And rhythmic footsteps on the road.
I hold the darkness tight inside,
Afraid to poison all
That's left of good.

Mommy Moments: Brothers

Older brother: I'm the fastest!

Younger brother: I'm the fastest!

Older brother: I'm the slowest!

Younger brother: I'm the slowest!

Older brother: No, I'm the slowest!

Younger brother: I'm the fastest!

Older brother: We can both be the fastest!

Younger brother: Yeah!

Mommy Moments: In All Weather

When your kids are more hardcore than you are:

"I'm so glad the weather doesn't dampen your enthusiasm, but do we really have to go biking in a sleet storm?"

It actually ended up being a lot more fun than I expected!

And we went home for hot chocolate afterward :)

Another Day, Another Year

Hey Everyone!

It's been a few months since I've shared how I'm doing, so I figured it's about time! Overall, I am doing significantly better than I was back in October. Through both prayer and the passage of time, I have seen healing and growth. Physically, much of my strength has returned. I am able to get through my day without having to lie down, and I can take the boys to the park. I haven't tried hiking yet, but I am able to walk 5 kilometres, which is encouraging.

Although my physical health is improving, my emotional health is taking longer to recover. I am easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. I struggle to cope when I'm around large crowds, or conflict, or people who are expressing strong emotions. Although I have enough energy now to go out and do things, I often end up spending my time alone or just with my family. During this time, my projects have become a source of comfort and safety for me. Whenever I have free time, you can usually find me at the piano or on my laptop.

A side effect of this focus is that I have managed to finish all of the songs for my musical, as well as my latest edit of the script! The script has been sent off to a few more people for feedback, and I am starting on my newest project: a novel about mountaineers, a mysterious door beneath a glacier, and a daring rescue mission!

A lot of people have been asking me if I ever got a diagnosis. No, I didn't. As I saw my health slowly improving, I got tired of blood tests and doctor's appointments, and gave up pursuing an answer. But looking back on the circumstances surrounding my "crash", I am pretty sure that what I experienced was a burnout. It has been a long six months since then, and it will be longer yet until I am back to "normal", but I am thankful for a loving, understanding husband who has been helping me through it, and my supportive friends and family who have been praying for me and that I can reach out to when I need help.

Hopefully I'll start writing on my blog a bit more now. I've missed sharing my life with you.

Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I've been thinking a lot about thanksgiving lately. Mainly because giving thanks is pretty hard right now.

Since I wrote last month about my health, not much has changed. Well, I think I have improved a little, but I have also learned the hard way that doing too much can have disastrous consequences, costing me days or even weeks of progress.

Because I have to be so careful, this has been a season of loss for me. I had to step down from leading worship at church. I had to cancel the play that I was planning to direct this fall. Some weeks, I haven't even been able to go to church. I've had to rely on others to go grocery shopping, hang out the laundry, and do other household chores that I wouldn't have had any problem doing before.

As I have been forced to do as little as possible, I am realizing just how much I do every day, and how quickly I want to jump up and take care of things whenever I see something that needs to be done. Now, I have to stop and evaluate: does this really need to happen right now? Do I actually need to do it, or could someone else do it? It is surprising to me how hard it is to let go.

Having very limited energy has also made me more aware of habits and patterns in my life that happen so automatically that I don't even think about them. For example, I've always known that I sense and absorb the emotions of those around me, but I hadn't realized how much emotional energy I put into trying to improve the emotional environment I am in. If someone is having a bad day, if someone is feeling lonely or ignored, if someone is feeling hurt in any way, I impulsively try to compensate for that, pouring out emotional energy in an attempt to make everything better and infuse joy and life into the world around me.

Now I can't do that. I can't do all of the giving and serving and doing and accomplishing that makes me feel valuable and seen. Without it, I feel kind of lost.

I am trying to be thankful for everything I am learning through this time. I'm trying to be okay with recognizing my limitations and letting go. I'm trying to be okay with letting my world shrink and slow down.

Even though it's hard, I know that I really do have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for Jesse and all the rest of the household, as they've had to pick up the slack and take care of all the things that I can't do now. I am so thankful that the weather has been nice, and that I can lie down outside and enjoy the sunshine, even though I can't go hiking or to the park. I am so thankful for all of the people who have asked about how I'm doing, who have come and watched the kids so I can rest, who have brought meals, or washed the dishes, or helped clean up the mess when Kenneth crashed a pile of plates onto the kitchen floor.

If you are one of those people, thank you so much.

I'm heading back to the doctor tomorrow to see if my latest bunch of tests have anything to say about what is wrong with me. It would be nice to have some answers, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. For now, I'm trying to breathe deep, be careful, and remember that this is just a season, and a season in which I am not alone.

Mommy Moments: The Song That Never Ends

My two year old has been learning the alphabet. Unfortunately, he is currently under the impression that Y is followed by R. He has been singing in a loop for about ten minutes now...

The Girl From Moab: Let There Be Hope

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to perform a new song from my musical!

The event was the book launch for April Yamasaki's new book, Four Gifts. It was really fun to be able to share a small taste of what I've been working on!

If you are interested in keeping up with my updates on The Girl From Moab, you can follow my YouTube channel or my Facebook page, and I will still post updates here on my blog sometimes too!